October 8th, 2023- Waning Crescent Leo

My day was fantastically fall. I cannot complain in the ease, the romance and joy that flowed throughout my Sunday. I awoke with a shift in the air. The crispness, the freshness. I completed my routine in a way that brings me peace and balance. It was how I envision majority, if not all my Sundays to be moving forward. I do not wish to attend anything on Sunday. I enjoy my peace at home. I enjoy the relaxation of having nothing in particular to do. I enjoy cooking traditional delicacies of the seasons and watching classic movies to fit the vibe. I love the coziness of fall and all the happiness she brings. After attending the event the night before and sinking into the closures, I physically felt that deep sigh of serenity.

It wasn’t as noticeable at first. There were moments of panic, which will continue to be present until the beginning. But they had been even shorter than before. Almost as if they were mockable. It was more delusional for me to worry than it is for me to knowingly sit in peace. Chad and I went for a lovely evening walk. The shades of pink and purple on the East and the oranges, yellows and reds of the West. The amber tone of the Sun that glistens the realm each darkening season. Leaning into the closures I feel. Breathing in my last fall in the crisp Michigan air. My last fall walking down this road.

We came home to the cuddly kitties, the warm cozy home and the steamy shower. Warmed up our noses and rinsed off the lazy crusties. I walked out of the shower to see my beloved calling me into the bed. Every moment with Chad is as giddy as the first. Every day I am honored to hold him, to kiss him, to be the one he calls his and to be the one who loves him. He has been on the long healing road of my sexual past. He has been patient and kind. Devoted and loving to ensure I feel safe, pleasure and adoration. There is nothing he does to my body that isn’t intended to invoke the deepest of pleasures. Whether orchestrated for ritualistic purposes or simply to lay with one another, there have been plenty of times in which this love has brought me to tears. Not just a few sheds, but sobs. His loving touch and powerful energy exchange is more than enough to break down all shells, to rip my soul wide open. However, tonight, I did not cry. Not one tear. I laughed, I smiled, I sighed the deepest of sighs. The sigh of serenity.

I knew then just how deep these seemingly small and uneventful moments in my life have been over the last few days. I knew just how deep all the intensities of my year thus far, as gone. With an awkward grin and airy voice, I excitedly expressed to Chad all the details of which I discovered. Since the last ritual of tears, I had discovered a new sensation. I had stated before, it felt as if my virginity had been restored. However now, it feels as if a new level, a new “spot” has been found. I know this not to be a physical inadequacy or misalignment with my husband. This was something otherworldly. I had never felt that spot before. I had never been open enough to receive such an experience. I told Chad, it was as if the wounded root chakra had been completely healed. That we had reached a level of intimacy, my body never would allow due to the trauma of my past. The depth behind this realization cannot truly be understood with the words that we have in this realm. I do not know the language. It’s beyond physical pleasure and biological reasonings. And it was presented to me. Gifted to me.

Every day I gain clarity in multiple aspects of my life. These deeply intimate moments with Chad, assist in gaining clarity in other areas of my life. It opens my eyes to how much mediocrity I have allowed into my life. It leads me to the standard of which I have people within my life. But, most importantly, I have seen and been shown that how I am and need to be, is perfectly acceptable. The message of being who you are, is enough, is a broken record. I am not the only one preaching this philosophy and many times, I repeat it, annoyingly to myself and I’m sure the masses as well. Many like to say you can be yourself, but then once they realize what that actually entails, they demonize you.

I tend to become rattled each and every time I am hit with an awareness of insult or judgement being thrown my way. If you know me, you would know that, I am direct. If I have a problem with you specifically, I will reach out. Now, if that “problem” is something I decide, is a “me problem” I will self isolate or detach to work through it in private. I tend to be skilled at ensuring I do not project myself onto others. I am not perfect, by any means. But, I do know that I work really hard to be in a constant state of reflection and self evolution, in order to, at the very least, move forward in a state of healing for myself or the party involved. I seek conflict resolution to natural occurrences of conflict, not petty drama. Which, I have discovered, many do not understand. I am misrepresented time and time again. My social media rants are often taken personal. My detachment, self isolation or introversion is deemed shady, fake or two faced. None of these feelings are brought to my attention by the party involved. I have lost countless friendships over others inability to confront me. Or if they do confront me, it usually results in an egotistical battle of “just say you’re wrong and I am right.” Which I will never do. If I am not wrong, I am not wrong. I will apologize for the parts I played in the conflict, but I will never own up to the blame in its entirety ever again.

My relationship with my husband has taught me the strength to be firm in my wants, needs and desires. I understand how others can manipulate my qualities to be deemed vile, evil, and become overall vilified. This can be concluded to be personal truths or perspectives, projections or misalignments for either party. How others view me or feel about me, is not true nor false. I can take it all in and transmute it into a version of me I am most comfortable with. I can face it head on and complete a ritual of emotional healing on an intimate, but still collective, scale with the conflicted party. Or I can veto the circumstances entirely. All of which I am now confident to assess and execute as I need. Not for anyone else, other than me. Say what you will. Do what thou wilt. Either way… You will respect me.