Signs of Healing Through Modern Reflections

September 8th, 2022

I sit here smoking my bowl. Drinking my merlot. Meme scrolling as I sit naked wrapped in a blanket. Awaiting the dreadful morning of 5 am. I will only be getting 5 hrs of sleep tonight. And I have never been so excited. I have missed this. This moment of chaos and never ending energy. Tomorrow I get to struggle to awake to take my husband to work and then I get to go try to wrestle and learn BJJ and drive way too much. But I feel so happy and motivated to do so. It’s not “fun” work or tasks. But it’s my life. I am doing what I want on my terms without any consequence. I am so fulfilled. I know my balance will come. Moments of gratitude like these, remind me it will all come in due time. However my schedule is finally full with tasks for me. My legacy finally feels like I’m beginning to take control. Small nuggets of success as I continue to purge and reassess. These are the signs of myself aligning.

It’s funny to think about. I was so upset to come home to Chad asleep. And this was why I didn’t go to bjj because I didn’t see him all day. And then I poured wine and made a pizza… pissed Chad didn’t cook dinner because I would’ve cooked it for him and blah blah blah. The same petty arguments all couples tend to have. So.. I drank some wine. Hit a rip and coughed till I was red. Showered and began ranting over anarchy to the new BJJ friends and birds in my shower. Empowering people with my mind. It felt so livening. I then realized I was so happy Chad was asleep. I am able to do what I used to do for myself when I lived alone. Opening my witch box. Meme-ing away. I am calm. I look forward to the morning and the peace I have finally built in my life. This journey isn’t so bad. I need to remind myself this every moment when it feels as if the shit hit the fan. I trust myself enough to know this feeling is one to stay and anything along my way I can transmute. I found a sense of healing within my codependent wounds.