Retribution of a Leisurely World

It’s not about a life of leisure.. I simply want it all to be balanced and fucking flow. I do not understand why it’s so hard to maintain everything. Why there is a dread to complete tasks. Why I am overwhelmed. I can’t keep up with the house, my job, all this healing work I have to do, any spiritual what have yous, my candles, friendships, fucking trying to do any goddamn sport or athleticism and fully commit to it. It’s either a jam packed rigid schedule where every second is accounted for or just chaos and uncontrollable nothingness. It seems as if I am always having to be something else or something more. I really do question if anyone even likes me sometimes, let alone being capable of loving me. I feel such a pressure all the time, not just from my home, but in the others throughout my entire existence. I do not feel lovable as a whole. I feel like I’m only loved at certain moments. Moments when I am needed for what I offer. A life of extremes where I am equally shunned when that I have to offer is disruptive. I feel like they were more attracted to me in the beginning of our relationships. They were so affectionate, which quickly turns into now I have to beg for a morsel. I never feel as if my body is to the liking of anyone or myself anymore. I can gain too much weight and fat before with my frame and now I’m back to fucking malnourished skin and bones. I detest all those ignorant girls that are interacted with and followed online. They’re "real witches" with "real feminine bodies" and they do "really dark stuff" that I wish I could do. All I hear within and without is how I’m not that way, or to be more clear, how I cannot be that way. Im not a dark witch, I am not a feminine, I do not possess a sexual exterior.. I am not and cannot be this or that. Who the fuck is anyone to tell me I am not those qualities? How can they not believe I am exactly who I say I am?

Truth be told, I don’t have the fucking time to do any of those that I desire and know myself to be. Balancing out this 3D, American, capitalistic life of work, the healthy sleep schedule, exercise routine and meal routines. Not to mention the cleaning of it all. It feels as if they only act and follow through with mediocre actions from the guilt I project. They'll humor me for a day or two and then it's right back to shutting me out. I feel as though I have to work at an unfathomable rate to not be a worthless female in these eyes of the world and the mirror. I am not lazy. I never have been. I am messy, slightly unorganized. Only due to the business of mind and to do list of never ending tasks. I feel as I fail at everything I do because I cannot juggle it all. I can’t keep up with laundry and dishes and all the bills and focus on my witch studies. I don’t know how to balance everything. And with every complaint I hear from them, even if I can understand their "good hearted" intentions to venting or expression of their side, it enrages my ears. I do not know how they cannot have empathetics and some fucking perspective. I genuinely try not to be “sensitive” and a “cry baby.” Yet with every projected complaint, with every command to be or do more, is another hit of pressure of never being enough and yet again having to do more just to be loved.

I just wish to be loved as I am. This weigh, this sadness, only causes more hardship for me to do accomplish anything at all. It’s not good enough so I will tear it all down and rebuild it to your desired perfection. However, that loop is never-ending. This explains the starting and stopping new routines and schedules on a never ending basis. If it does not work perfectly immediately, it is no good. There is someone always upset or complaining. Constantly having me change to go back to how it was, to change again. The most exhausting of dances. It is the most stressful game of Tetris I have ever played and I do not believe I have ever been a player to that game to begin with. I’m drowning just existing, losing myself with every moment I start to feel confident as I am, only to have something kick my feet from underneath me and force me to retreat again, only deeper each time. I I am tired of this constant state of dissociation. I love the world so much. I do not have resentment towards her. I do not want to leave her forever. I want the land to be realigned as the home she had always been before.

I want a family that loves me. I want to feel relaxed enough to know I am loved without having anything more to offer than myself. I do not want to have to be the one who has to fix everything. I want a life that is balanced and makes sense within our community, our society, our everything. Nothing they tell you, you need to do makes any fucking sense. I feel as if I am losing my mind. And this isn’t me blaming the world for all my problems. My problem is with the world. I feel a strong need to change her, to revitalize her, to honor and facilitate her retribution.