My Truest Love

When entering this story it would be wise to play “The Truest Love” by Kublai Khan TX to set the tone and rhythm to this tale.

My dearest husband Chad, with a name that means protector and defender. A man with a cursed name according to the internet trolls or peasants. A name mocked and shamed, by myself included. A name that I wonder the conspiracy behind the rumored stereotypes and memes.

I met my beloved at the gym on July 4th, 2020. I had trialed out a new gym at the request of a friend of mine involved in the fitness world along with me. Nate was a strongman and I a powerlifter. I was sick of the douchebagery that engulfed Royal Oak Gym. Nate stated I should try out Rochester Performance Gym, RPG, a gym filled with noble men. I scoffed as I believed those meatheads to be the same douches in a different aesthetic. But nonetheless, why the fuck not? So I went on the holiday where I had nothing better to do.

I was introduced to Chad by Nate upon his arrival. Nate and I had been there for an hour or so at the time. I can remember it perfectly. I was sitting on the bench in my blood splatter pants and black cropped tee. Nate stated “Hey Sarah, this is my buddy Chad.” Chad reached out a hand with a toothy, charismatic smile. To which I instantly replied with, “Chad? What are you some fuck boy?”

You see, at the time, I was entirely burnt out on love and men. As Elaine, the Love Witch, I was unable to find a man worthy of my heart. I moved to Michigan for a groomer band boy who was 13 years older than me. He left me in the dust for one of his other “groupies” or in truth for someone actually age appropriate and fitting for him. I was just another easy target for his scummy intentions. It is safe to say I have been significantly naive in my life. Romanticizing every second of the world with the purest of heart. Only seeing the world through the lens of it’s soul. I turned a blind eye to all the signs and red flags. Being lost in my dreamy trance. To be conspiratorial, I almost find that this was intentional. A potential soul test on my end, or a wretched curse from the “they” that restlessly attempts to entrap souls into the darkness. Either way, my greatest gift was often my worst wound. I gave my heart away willingly with ease. I poured my all into everyone that crossed my path, only to be left utterly broken.

My break up and reality shattering experiences my first 2.5 years in Michigan, transformed me. As the famous quote goes, “The day he left me I died, and was reborn a witch!” When Christopher abandoned me, I was briefly hospitalized with a heart condition. In the most dramatic Leo Moon and Pisces Venus fashion, my heart literally “broke.” They call it broken heart syndrome. When the heart experiences emotions so intense, the small tendons will snap. Creating a cardiovascular event. Fun to my new knowledge, this condition is most common in older couples who have experienced the death of their loved one or middle aged divorcees. I was 22. I was young with so much life ahead of me. How on Earth could this be so?

I theorize about the reasonings all the time. It would be easy to say, I was young and dumb, only to be filled with wisdom now. However, the gong like pain. The breaking of the water. The shattering of the mirror I felt deep inside my chest. As if my heart chakra was a gong itself and it had been hammered with a strike. I will never forget the pain. The fear dressed in the heart monitor I had to wear for a week. In a brief moment, when Chad introduced himself to me, I was filled with that same fearful memory. A memory I had tried to bury in other hopeless engagements and a strongly dissociated expression of an existence. I found the more I experienced the treachery of humans, the less I cared to care about them. I wouldn’t put my all into anything anymore and was simply existing, surviving and drowning myself in the earthy pleasures of sex, drugs and rock n roll.

During the Covid Lock Down, I was alone. I had previously met a Green Beret, Rick, who I began to spend time with a couple weeks before the world stopped. He was a nice mirror and final test before I was able to connect with my flame. He played the same silly games and used the Covid lockdown as an excuse not to see me anymore, while also still leading me on for his own needs. I don’t want to vilify him too much. It would be reasonable for the disconnection to occur without connection. However, it was too strategic. He was a Cancer man with a Leo Moon. An energy only able to halfway understand my overall essence. A fragile energy insecure by all that I am and would become. He was intimidated by my insecurities and it felt like a power play to him to leave me in there. Either way, it was another misalignment my romanticism was going to entrap me in. It was insane enough that he also resembled Christopher. Another weak, fraudulent man pretending to be a divine masculine and yet he couldn’t even harbor the strength to simply be honest. Another vampyric energy, who only wishes to use what I offer.

In the moment I met Chad, I sensed all the fear and emotional build up. Which is why I was so quick to shut him away. He smiled and laughed and replied to my fuck boy comment with ease and charm. He replied “I am not so sure why the internet ruined the name. My name is honorable. It means warrior and defender. It’s the name of a knight.” I was swooned. A man, who knew the etymology and spiritual significance of his name? I NEVER! I had to commit to being the bitch and closed off witch I was attempting to portray. Failing as my giddiness was overcoming me with cheeky smiles and flirty banter.

Nate had asked him to put on some metal or some type of music request. Chad was the gym music guru, the ultimate workout DJ. As he approached the radio, I scoffed “What does a frat fuck boy know about metal?” Metal being one of my favorite genres, and experience one too many men who only think they are hard and heavy; when in reality they are Five Finger Deathpunch Neanderthals. He began to play Deicide. A very heavy and glorious metal band. A staple in the metal community. I was embarrassed and blushed. However continued to shit talk. I would not waver.

One thing lead to another and we began discussing the occult. Nate brought it up in a way, I wish I could remember. I only remember being quick to say “Listen frat boy, the occult isn’t what you and society think it is.” I was defensive over my newly found craft and path, as I knew it was a part of me my whole life, and I was nothing but ridiculed for it. Chad only continued to smile and shake his head at me. I think he enjoyed me being direct and abrupt with him. Nate came to his defense and told him to show me his tattoos and take off his shirt.

Like a movie, it was in slow motion for me as he lifted his shirt over his head to reveal his torso. His strong, muscular and entrancing body, covered in Solomonic Sigils and a super fun Misfits tattoo. I was in awe. He knew more than I did. I had to shut up. I shouldn’t have been so arrogant. I began to soften. The only thing I cared about was ensuring he at the very least became my friend. I was eager to learn from him. But just like that? He disappeared from the gym. I continued my session with Nate and finally left at the closing of the gym.

As I was driving back to my apartment, very distractedly driving, I was searching social medias for this Chad. This mysterious magician that had cast his charm unto me. A voice deep within my mind wouldn’t let me give up. I finally found his instagram. After aggressively looking for 20 min. (haha) I clicked follow and then continued on my way to my apartment. Where I was going to sit and stalk him. Gather all the details I could. I was obsessed. Desperate to make sure he wasn’t lost to me. It was very insane how this trance overcame me. I was following a hunch that felt like the mystery of my life’s work. By the time I got home, he had followed me back and messaged me saying, “Well that was quick.”

We talked often and deeply for approx 2 weeks. It was a game of cat and mouse. I had left to go to New Mexico to see my family for a week, and then by the second week we had our 1st gym date. We were at the gym for 4-5 hours. I was talking my heart away about all my analytics and theories. I couldn’t shut up and he mindfully listened to every word. He was truly intune and connected to me. Addicted to my every word. I often found him admiring me with full adoration the entire experience.

He had invited me out to his area where he lived. He stated it was a quiet country place with beautiful trails. I teased my fears of him being a serial killer and trying to bring me back to a quiet location to have his way with me. I had been very open with my about my assaults, my abuse and my hesitancy to follow my romantic heart. In the past, I would act without thinking and fall into the story of what could be, only to miss all the dangerous warnings that lead to my suffering. It was another 2 weeks before we saw each other again. I had finally agreed and trusted to enjoy a hike with him out in the country hills and even potentially stay the night. I couldn’t hide my attraction for him. I had even found myself trying to convince myself he wasn’t “that attractive.” He was my type and equally not my type at all. His contradicting essence confused me. I was walking the tight rope of fear on one side and destiny on the other. The leap of faith it took for me to fall into his arms that day, was one of the most fearful moments of my life and yet I was equally the most excited.

I spent my day glamorizing myself. Ritualizing how this date would go. I was open to him while maintaining my guard. Until he surprised me. He texted me and asked to take me to dinner instead. He was able to get a reservation at Mable Grey, his favorite restaurant. He had gotten off work early and was wanting to treat me instead of a simple walk. He will dismiss the romance of this move. However, I know he knew I deserved to be romanced and courted. I know his romantic heart wished to spoil me and show me who he is and all he can be. He was equally scared. But I have concluded that he was testing me. To know and experience my genuine joy to simply be with him, was earth shattering for him as well.

For my beloved had been a broken man. A man who enclosed himself off from the world. He had not dated in over 2-3 years at the time of our first date. He disclosed to me that he had attempted to talk to other women, however after his fiancé, he couldn’t bring himself to do so again. My Chad is a very guarded man with a heart encased in the most impenetrable material. And yet, I broke through almost effortlessly. I was unaware in the beginning just how shielded he was. I listened to his pain and respected it. I didn’t expect anything more from him and he didn’t expect anything more of me.

We met at the restaurant to be met with instantaneous comfort and ease. I had never let loose so much in my life, while continuing to abide by my new boundaries. Chad did not drink and I told him I wouldn’t either. Not out of respect for his circumstance, but because I wanted to be sober and in control. I didn’t want the alcohol to lower my inhibitions and become lost in my romance dream. I was fully present for every moment. I can recall every detail, every breath, look, smile, every word spoken. It was the most beautiful dance. All pressure to be anything more than I was faded away. I felt seen and honored. I had never known that to be true before. I had only believed it to be a fairytale.

Chad had decided to come to my place instead of me going out to his. He will say it is because it was closer and easier than driving out his place. But again, a simple justification for a deeper meaning. I know Chad did so to allow my own comfort. He wanted me to feel in control and safe. He wanted me to know I didn’t have to fear another assault, abuse or use.

Upon arrival at my apartment, it was a disastrous mess. I am not the most tidy. I become too busy in my thoughts, theories and experiences to keep up with clutter and dust. I left out all my candles and witchery tools, leaving a minefield of space to navigate. He didn’t come onto me right away. In fact, I just assumed that was how it went and assumed the position, so to speak. He simply sat with me and continued to enjoy our conversation. He offered me some of his favorite dabs and we discussed the spiritual experience I was currently suffering with my family. He was not worried about sex. He was not focused on humoring me until he could come between my legs. He was building an intimate connection of security only a true masculine could lead.

It felt as if we could talk for hours and hours. Which we still do to this day. I can recall the shift in our energies. The moment it became passionate and intoxicating He had been massaging my feet and legs as we talked. There was a moment of peace and silence. Drifting into the comfort of our souls intermingling. He kissed his way up my legs. Intently placing his hands onto my body. By the time we came home, I had gotten comfortable and was only wearing a t shirt and revealing panties. He removed the underwear. Passionately pleasuring me with his mouth and hands. It was intoxicating and like a movie. Only for him to stop and laugh. Which startled me. He then smiled and said, “I am so sorry. I got carried away, I should kiss you first.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I realized what he had realized lost in the moment. We hadn’t shared a Hollywood worthy kiss yet. He rubbed my face with his fingers and looked into my eyes and kissed my lips deeply. I wanted to cry with the amount of passion I felt from him. He whisked me away to the bedroom. Where I was fearful of disappointment. I was so entranced and in love already. I didn’t want to wake up to another illusion. I never did. He was able to read my body in a way I wasn’t sure men actually knew how to do. He made love to me and my soul. It was more than a primordial act of reproduction and pleasure. It was true magick.

As we went to bed, Chad stated he sleeps flat on his back and typically does not move. I became shy and trembled in my vulnerability. I stuttered over my words as I said, “So, just because you sleep on your back, does that mean you can’t…?” He began to question what I was talking about and out of fear for being told no, I quickly lifted his arm and rolled into him. I laid over the top of him and embraced him a cuddly hug. I know I felt a smile and a kiss to the top of my head, with his arms around me. I don’t recall much else, for I fell dead asleep.

It was peculiar to me to cuddle and sleep so soundly. Others often made me uncomfortable and I could not ever sleep unless I was sleeping alone. With other sleepovers, I would only sleep very lightly, afraid to move, or so restless I tossed and turned all night. With Chad, the lights went out and I was entranced into the otherworld. The world of dreams. I awoke the next morning wondering if maybe it was all a dream. That I was Alice in Wonderland.

We awoke to share a fresh cup of coffee. Relaxed in the endorphin filled morning. He left for work and gave me a cherished kiss goodbye. A goodbye kiss that didn’t actually mean goodbye, but hello. Hello to our beginning, our forever, our happily ever after.

One week later, after a trip to my father’s in Massachusetts, I returned to see my Demonic Knight. I spent the weekend at his palace. Returned to work on Monday, only to go to the other side of town where my apartment resided to pick up my two cats. I brought them back up with me to his residence and never left.

Within 6 weeks of meeting, we moved in together, flowing through life’s obstacles. We have been married in this lifetime for a year now. Together for 2.5 total. And yet, I’ve realized we have been married since the beginning of time. Our firsts in this time line were ritualistic routine for our souls. Souls bound and destined to find and love one another for all eternity. A love built on raw acceptance for each other as we are, as we have been and all we ever will become.