September 27th-30th, 2023- Full Moon Aries

It has been quite some time since I have journaled within my Lunar Memoir. I have been drained, focused in other creative endeavors and excuse after valid justification, but still an excuse nonetheless. Life has been happening. I have been having quite some fun expressing myself with new candle creations and focusing their designs in evolutionary ways. I have been writing in a poetic and narrative form. Journaling in a more artistic pursuit. Finding my preferences, creating my routines and understanding my pure love for them all. I truly wish to be able to do it all. I become so exhausted from the thought of all I wish, I dream, I Desire to manifest within my life. Does not mean I do not work hard. I continue to push through despite the heaviest of weights. It is not a means of letting go. It is a matter of inner strength to carry through the toughest of journeys. The weight I am carrying is a weight of willful strength. I am aware of just how fragile I have become. How easy I have caved in a variety of aspects of my life. I am not preaching victimhood. I am communicating self betrayal. Interesting how the self betrayal is in all areas of my life. A common understanding of the collective work, as well as my individual work, is that it is okay to make choices for yourself. I have deeply observed what that truly means.

I have worked significantly hard, working against myself in denial of masking that it was for myself. I accomplished such a story of success. I wore it with a badge of honor all I had to do in order to survive and have it all. It was mediocre at best. It was gratitude for crumbs while others devoured multiple feasts. I have gained such wisdom and experienced a rainbow of emotions. These emotions before me laid out a map of paths. Each one I could see leading down a road to despair. Paths not worth walking. Paths that I acknowledged may as well have me kill myself first, for it will bring forth the same result either way.

My life has been built on the foundations of pleasing others. Of being the golden child, the over achiever and the one who begged for acceptance. It was a trial of tests. An entire roller coaster of self expression and self denial. Self expression resulted in destruction, punishment, judgment and pain. Self denial received praise, love and attention. I quickly learned to abandon myself. Barbie became Build A Babe. I always adored proving those wrong when they doubted me. Distractions that lead me off the path of what I truly was destined to become. I have been such a fool in my life. Foolishness does not invalidate intelligence. In fact, I found intelligence to be foolish itself. I projected my intellect, my values, my humanity onto the world and expected such grace in return. A foolish mistake. And yet, a life with mistrust is a life of sorrow. Distrust is the fundamental to nihilism. My nihilistic tendencies are a result of a world that I misjudged as my equal, when in fact it has been my inferior. Not to preach so pretentiously, nor arrogantly, nor rude. I have understood my soul purpose in teaching the world as a messenger of evolution. Which I detest how narcissistic that sounds. I do not truly desire to have power to lead anyone. I only desire power to lead and enjoy life for myself. My nature is generous and my cup is abundant to overflow for all because I simply only pour into me. You cannot drink from a source that is droughted dry. My self love is often mistaken for self centeredness. I desire everyone to live, love and feel as themselves as I have learned to embrace. I will no longer force myself to fit in with the land of angels. I will dance in the demonic sea. I will soar with the dragon wings of a god.

I am worthy of a life of experience. A life of joy and art. It is my birthright to radiant the essence of abundance as a source of love in this world that is lost in hate. I am not lost. I walk forward with courage despite my unknowing fear. I listen to my instinct and I fight for destiny to fulfill my contract. I understand that all other methods are truly a lost cause. I cannot overcome the system. I can only work through it according to my will. Only the truth of my voice will carry through the noise. I can only live and experience. I can only embrace freedom. I no longer need to search for a home, for the world is my home. I belong in every corner of every inch. To every seed, plant, bug, animal and soul. I am you and you are me. We are All. I desire a life of adventure with the ability to write and express my insightful reflections to the world. I am not meant to be hidden. I am meant to be seen, to be loved and adored; with the protection of my Daemonic King; by the power of my integrity, in a balanced fashion of true Justice. I am here to live a life of softness, of love and sensuality. I release the existential crisis of suicidalism. For I see now, I only wished to die in order to feel alive. Existence is only worth experiencing when you have the freedom to live. Not the false security of survival. I am here to shine a light on all the beauty this world has to offer in every shade, in every corner, deep below the earth and deeply within her caves. In a society corruptedly fueled by such hate, let me inspire you to ignite the romance.