October 3rd, 2023- Waning Gibbous Gemini

Today was a day of mixed productivity and mixed emotions. I have been conflicted for quite some time now. I have a knowing of a sense of what I want to do and that of which gives my life meaning. I know this doesn’t need to make any sense to anyone else. Yet, it needs to make enough sense that I do not look like such a fool, such a failure and I actually do fly off and succeed. I have been tested and redirected in every which way. I truly feel lost in the misty maze. I made it this far, and I am at a point where I am not sure if it was worth it. Not in a lack of gratitude, nor in poor sportsmanship. I can accept necessary destruction. I suppose my conflicts reside in that I cannot understand, maybe even refuse to understand, how this is necessary destruction. To climb so high to a mountain top, only to slip and slide down. I do not know if I only slipped a few feet, a few miles, if I fell all the way to the bottom or if I even fell at all. Am I so high the clouds give an illusion of a floor-less mountain side? The view is lovely and the conditions could be perfect for my personal survival. And yet, I cannot nest. I have climbed the mountain knowing I can, but maybe I am not atop my mountain, just a range along my journey. The journey never ends and there are countless terrains of which I can peak and valley. I don’t mind the valleys. I only wish to visit them by my will, peacefully.

One of my old clients reached out and called to ask if I assist the family with another child in the home. Not the child I was assigned, but a child I grew close to as a sister or an aunt. A child who is reaching an age of puberty in a confusing world and depressing society. I instantly answered the call to help, as I care for this family dearly. However, once I answered, I regretted the decision to put on my OT hat. I felt a selfish ache in my stomach. This is really inconvenient for me and my current path. What could this be? A simple act of generosity and human care? A redirection back into an old title of self? A moment of closure as I reach the Last Quarter moon? Or maybe a little bit of it all at once. An opportunity for me to transmute how I am seen as a healer. I am no longer bound to the rules of government and insurance. I am able to provide the holistic healing I know to be necessary.

I had to mediate upon this experience and delay my interaction with the girl. I had felt a few moments in need to call the mother and tell her I am not the right fit. However, that is not true. I am one of the best people to handle this situation, for a number of reasons. Professionally, I have evolved multiple families and children’s lives. I became depressed by the systemic boundaries and chains. I detested the mentality of the world and just how hard it was to educate people to do what’s best for them, their family and their child as an individual. I have worked with hundreds of families over my career and I can count on one hand the number of family’s I impacted on a deep level. Maybe two hands and a foot for the family’s that would openly give me credit. The rest I could not seem to get them to care or it was superficial and time consuming at best. Not necessarily a waste of time, but an inefficient use of it.

As I have argued with countless folks, my issue is not quite in my job. I enjoy helping people and evolving the world. My job has allowed me to do so. However, it’s few and far between. Its slow, inefficient and I have found that the majority simply does not want it. I trigger them into a state of spite and stubbornness. I cannot force healing, however it becomes frustrating to work in a system that provides these tax payer services, “free of charge” to families that do not have any drive to do the work. Everyone desires a quick fix. It is easy to become burned out. I have said this before, and I will continue to be amazed by it; I have accomplished more productive healing, not only for myself, but for more individuals and families on a deeper level through my writing, my candles and my genuine but simple interaction with them. The healthcare field inhibited and dimmed my healing fire.

I decided to assist my previous kiddo, at least for a few weeks. Her mother had even stated she was hoping I could at least give some direction or guidance so the child feels comfortable going to a doctor. This child is refusing to go see any other form of professional. She is willing to see me, because I am “MS. SARAH!!!!” I have always been able to connect with children on a much deeper plane than most adults. It baffles me how blind parents can be to their child’s needs. But I have come to understand it is not personal. The parents do not know how to identify these needs in their children. They are not aware of these needs within themselves. This is my opportunity to transform how I approach “therapy” and debut myself as the witchy healer that I am. I decided to create a loving self care package for our dear little lady. A candle, a journal, homemade teas and some hair oil. I added some special enchanted jewelry that I no longer wear. I love my ability to pass on magick once the healing for myself has been achieved. You can pay it forward without being imprisoned in the good shepherd mentality.

I am excited to show her some special love and teach her emotional regulation and the power in directing your own self care. This is a powerful lesson for a young Virgo. I do not deny the significance in this experience or interaction. My fear has been in becoming stuck in that title again. Being dragged backwards into an unfulfilling and miserable OT career. I desire a more holistic and detached approach to healing. I wish to reach a quality quantity while being able to live in a self preserved state of detachment. I know myself to be the Hermit. I know myself to thrive better in an isolated state. I know I cannot function to the best of my ability within the 9-5 or chaotic skewed 40 hour work week of the healthcare system. I cannot run my own healthcare facility. I cannot be bound to any form of conformity nor tradition. I have to make a change in a field that has been tainted with disease and corruption.