October 2nd, 2023- Waning Gibbous Gemini

I awoke from such a strange dream and a new alarm sound to my husband's alarm. It was startling. More dramatic than it should have been. My dream involved a different dimension, a new real that was robotic. Reminded me of the “Robots” Animated Movie. However, people were still very human. They looked robotic, however they were still fleshy. Everything on the outside was different and I cannot truly recall many details now. However, the insides, the internal meat of the dream, was human in experience.

I wonder if humanism is a state of consciousness. It is not a species but a frame of thinking, a state of mind. It makes me wonder if its truly all in our head and adaptable. That there is no such thing as human consciousness and only consciousness. There are levels, do not get me wrong. But maybe, it’s all just a pool of thought. An ocean of dreams and we are floating into whichever harbor we choose to dock. Changing your mind is easier than anyone gives it credit for. You have to stay open. You have to be as buoyant as a log being tossed around the stormy waves. Only to be secure and washed ashore. Hopefully with some adventurous joy.

To return to the dream, I was with that realm’s version of Chad. There were politics and a sense of either a royal family arrangement, a rich family arrangement or simply a cultural importance around the traditions of marriage. All similar themes. I cannot recall. My dreams do not stay very long nor vividly. It is truly a gift to remember any fragment at all. I tend to awake from my slumber to a sense of amnesia. As if I am reborn into this world every morning. I digress, in the dream I had my lover. I cannot recall his name or what he looked like, but I knew it was that world’s Chad. It was my love that I will have in every world, every dimension, time line or simulation. I cannot exist without such essence next to mine. He was a bit softer. It felt like the softer, watery side of Chad. A different expression of him. The side he tends to show the least. He was unsure, I wouldn’t say insecure, filled with doubt, worry or fear of some kind. There was a sense of sobbery in his voice. Allowing me to do and be as revolutionary as I am. He went along for the ride and I called the shots in this adventure. He dreaded my every move.

I can only recall these feelings of details. I cannot recall much else of the middle plots to the dream. By the end of the dream, we were hovering down a very grande, political isle. It was very Star Wars or even Hunger Games. We were to be wed. Which I desired. However, the grandiose ceremony and reception didn’t settle well with me. It felt as if I was being exploited or something disingenuous. I didn’t like it. I wanted more than anything to marry this character, but not this way. As we were in hover craft chariots, Chad slipped over the edge of his. He held on tightly and tried to pull himself up. It was a mistake, not a tragedy. A moment of comic relief, where he was very clumsy. However, in this harmless, but imperfect moment, as the crowd gasped. I called out “Chad! I don’t want to do this. I want to marry you, I want you forever, but not this way. Not by these RULES!” I believe I recall Chad holding on with one hand to his craft, and smiling with a head nod at my remark. Which is then when the alarm woke me up.

I am not sure what to interpret by this dream. I can see that my masculine and feminine energies are in sync, they are in love. However, they feel a need to conform to societal standards? Or it could resemble the very real chaos that is currently manifesting in our life. I have forced a weary Chad on an insanely stressful and unknown journey. He has been more unsure than I have ever known him to be, and I believe he is surprising himself through it as well. I do believe I have treaded the line of conformity and breaking free disgracefully. Fighting to break away, but continuing to be pulled in by the black hole herself.

I do feel as if I have let Chad down. I feel as if I have failed myself and everyone around me? Why? For breaking away from traditional destiny and choosing to execute my destiny my way. I want my life, my duty and my everything. I simply want to change it to fit myself in aligned ways. Just as my marriage with Chad in the 3D is unconventional. I desire the rest of my life to be so. I desire a creative life of adventure, fun and joy. Yet, the money circumstances are enough to lead me down the isle of tradition. I continue to pull away at the last minute. Struggling between survival and dreams. I am begging for the weight of food, shelter and sustainability to release away from me. It is not weak to conform. I can see that now. It takes an immense amount of strength to question, let alone attempt an escape. I continue to leap. I have escaped and yet the guards are still hunting me down to bring me back. How can I have my cake and eat it too? Which I don’t accurately believe to be the case. I am not greedy. I do not want it all for the simple sake of having it. I want it all to sustain myself. To fulfill myself and to share with the world. To stand as the Fountain of Youth Herself.

I hate that I have allowed it all to fall apart to this level. I worry for all that will manifest, but I continue to believe, to trust that this is my inner compass and it is necessary. I worry I am wrong. I worry I will have achieved such success and followed rightfully so, only for Jon Snow to slay me in the end out of some sense of necessity. I have had a difficult time shaking the reoccurring theme that I am meant to die. I have struggled to see if this is metaphorical, spiritual or literal. I do not know if this is to be by my hand, my own doing that forces the hand of another or by heinous response to my essence, my power. The destruction is necessary and I have my Shiva to calm my storms. But this fear of defeat, will not allow me to sleep.