May 24th, 2023- Waxing Crescent Leo

Tonight, as I was sitting in my room.. Uploading my content to my socials for the evening, I was struck with the reflection on whether I truly am putting myself out there enough and what could be the problem. I have noticed a return of behaviors or expressions of self. Some I have missed, some I have evolved and others, I am testing to see how I feel about presenting myself in such a way. I was watching this documentary on celebrity sex tapes, Girls Gone Wild and the predator that is Joe. It made me reflect within the scope of how society will judge one mistake, or moment of behavior define a person eternally. Without redemption, without humanization, without empathy. A few “mistakes” that are unforgivable are typically criminal. We are not here to discuss those categorical behaviors. We are here to discuss these social behaviors. Specifically within the documentary, sex. However, other envy driving and competition driving energies are within the scope of this assessment.

I find it annoying to believe how blind others could have been to such expressions of hate projected on such a global scale. The destruction the sex tape scandals caused, that then created a market of attention seeking, get rich quick schemes, came to rise; spotlighted grotesque human behavior. Which, we have seemed to start to evolve from. Human beings have sex. Sex should be normalized. It can be cerebral and biologically expressed and socially accepted as an act that humans do engage in. The purity culture has created markets for such vile uses of free will. Typically all for the sake of money. I do not wish to sacrifice myself in the same core essence, ever again. I have, in my own way, been on both sides. The victims such as Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee and as well as the paparazzi, or fans of the sex tape filled with shock. I remember growing up and hearing how my mother talked about Pamela. How she believed she released the sex tape on purpose because she was a whore. A common belief. A common presentation of a woman by the media. Humorously enough, my mother was also a huge fan of Motely Crue. This is a simple observation over the effects of the mass media, tv and pop culture has over the population. This is how I observed such engagements. I do not blame my mother for feeling as she did. I cans why she thought and felt that way. The truth? Should then easily change the mind without repercussions. But it won’t. Why is that? Because of the human battle with envy.

Envy and competition, biological and primordial expressions designed to assist humans with fertility, family structures and security within their need for survival. It is very animalistic. An instinct many humans deny. Necessary at one point, but no longer necessary now? Or is it the best tool given to humanity by the demons of such an evil force? They allow us to use envy as an internal compass to sense when we are unstable and what is needed to fix it. Envy is not the problem. It is how we respond to the feeling of envy that we need to redirect our focus.

Thinking through the principles of such sins, it took me down the path of envy I have felt for others and how often I have felt others sensed that feeling for me. It became apparent that everyone was envious of everyone; one way or another. And what for? While I am territorial and not perfect in any sense, it truly baffles me to ponder why we feel such divide and need to compete. I see how other animals will compete for their mate. It is a beautiful dance of courtship. It does not need to be of violence, of corrupted self sacrifice. We can embrace each other and ourselves as the main characters, as a world not divided by us vs them, but connected as an ecosystem of kingdoms.

How has this all connected into my healing process? I found myself at the root of the attention seeking phrase I hear floating within my mind. My self doubt. The fear of my life and perspective being nothing but imaginative, fairytale, airy, dumb delusion. Losing myself in the projection of others telling me who I am. Have I been attention seeking? Yes. Do I seek attention? No. I’ve had to spend a decent amount of my time deciphering between being attention seeking and being unapologetically expressive. Others have called me attention seeking too many times and I’ve always been perplexed when reflecting. I can give apologies or acceptance to the times I truly had been. I have admitted to my wrongs and equally will pay my dues when it is in deed fair. However, the insecurity I’ve developed about expressing myself out of fear of losing others, has been one of deep need to uproot. The attention seeking seemed more so as a mask cover up and getting positive reinforcement by all means necessary. Mixed with the bursts of mania in where I quit masking and expressed myself authentically. Which was a roller coaster process of which I had to heal, battle and face the destruction of my delusional grasp of living such double on top of double of lives to appease each group of masses. It has been painful. And equally excitingly enlightening to see where my soul, my authenticity continued to fight. Continued to adapt to find ways to shine through. To give me anchors when dwelling into my own subconscious underworld of self betrayal. I find I have come to live a life without total fear of living as I am. There is still some fear, as the stability of my income seems to be taking a hit by this empowerment. I feel the demonization and fear the loss of all I have fought to build within my heart’s truth. I only wish for the falsities to fade or fall away. While I dream as bright as the stars, I equally believe that nirvana of bliss to be possible right where I am. The desire of flow for financial freedom comes from the space to maintain the love and peace I have chosen for myself. I fear being forced to take these jobs, to renew my OT until the prosperity hits. To unfortunately accept a need to maybe balance a double life a little longer. But that I dearly dread. So I continue to beg and plea, to manifest and align, to work and struggle away to rip the monstrous blockage from within my heart. I cannot accept defeat. I surrender to the divine will, but I will not surrender to a will destined to destroy my sanctity, my sanctuary. I demand the tower moments to be of peace and clear the space for events to present in perfect ways. I will not tolerate mediocrity nor the misbelief that I have to suffer to learn, to grow. The lessons do not have to be difficult and I am capable. I am strong. I am worthy to receive such blessings. A warrior woman I was born. The fight has always been for myself.