May 18th-19th, 2023- New Moon Taurus

Today has been a confusing day. A day filled with skepticism within my path and the direction of my life. A new opportunity to return to New Mexico has arose. There are too many mixed emotions to sit with. The most simplified one, is that of disappointment. I do not feel as if this is the best option for me. I dream of better outcomes to manifest. However, I try to continue to be positive and trust that if this is where I am meant to go, that it will continue to guide me in the direction I need. Even when I cannot see it. However, I have felt significantly drained of any faith I could have within my craft. I cast away as much self doubt as I can. And yet, just as much as I am a dreamer, I am a realist. You can blame the dual stelliums teetering Capricorn and Aquarius, both Saturn ruled.

I dreamed that I was moving down to New Mexico. I was going to go down to Oklahoma first, to see my family and then drive to New Mexico, I believe to start my new life. I’m not sure if it was because of my job or just for an escape in the dream. The reasoning was unclear, but I can make assumptions. Instead of my husband, I was taking 4 girlfriends. The girls were the YellowJackets, the TV show. I remember also seeing black and white photos of the girls from the show. I believe it was their opening, where they have the team photos and the girls who survived are highlighted with a different tone to the image. I am not sure if that happened before, during or after the road trip part of the dream.I just remeber that occuring. Anyways we made it halfway to Oklahoma, or so I am assuming, theres another part of me that feels like we got stuck in Ohio. either way, the goal was to make it to OKC to spend a couple nights before finishing the drive to ABQ. I had gotten a flat tire. Totally demolished. We were going to stop for gas and food. Only to realize not only was a tire flat and was not only ruined, but the hub cap was gone. It was one of the few statements I remeber being verbalized in conversation. The shop manager woman had found it rolling aorund and made a remark. Another tire was cemented on the inside. It was severly hard but had a slit in the rubber of the tire, as if it was done intentioanlly, or the car ran into something sharp. It was moving like the flinstones car. I didn’t have the money to get new tires. I couldn’t make it to OKC. I didn’t know what to do. I began to cry to the tire shop lady. She asked me for my story and I started with saying “my grandma died, my brother has cancer” and then I don’t recall saying much else, as if my voice became mute, but was still telling my story. It seemed as if I had started listing all the problems I have faced. The problems that seemed to begin the “bad luck” within myself and my family.

I don’t see my grandma dying as bad luck. Just unfortunate timing. My brother I feel like is going to recover just fine with his cancer so I truly am not too worried. There’s a strong fear there, but out of the safety of my nieces, I just know he will not die this way when they are that vulnerable and need him. He will die one day. And maybe the cancer has him die earlier than intended. But he will not die while his girls are young. He will stay for them. Whether it’s by my will or his own. I know he will over come it all. I felt the need to give up. Where was the money going to come from? The lady felt sorry for me as I cried. I saw the man fixing the tires of another car. It felt as if they were going to make a deal for me. It felt as if I was going to turn back around and go to Michigan. I do not know if I was running away or if I was moving forward with a wrong decision. Either way. I feel as if I could either be making a mistake with New Mexico, or I could be sabotaging myself by not taking this kindness and running back to Michigan.

I want out of Michigan. But not without my beloved Chad. I’m not sure why girlfriends went with me instead. Girlfriends of which, are in a tv show or so I think. The only one recognizable was Missy. The others? Not sure if they were Yellowjacket characters or strangers. Part of me also wants to say the another character who's name I cannot recall in this moment. There was a black girl with the sleepwalking troubles/powers. Her short Afro hair and a cute headband. But she’s only coming up as I type this out. I either woke up or the dream moved on. But that is all I recall from the dream.

I don’t know which decision I made. Or which one I need to make. The dread of being back home with my family is heavy. I hate the feeling of going back to NM a failure. Which I’m not, but I am not smoothly moving to a place of my choice, taking my time to find the dream property. I am going to a place where there is work and that is familiar for me to start again. Part of me feels it’s a repeated pattern of a life that used to be a dream. I used to think a scenario like this would’ve been great for me. But now it feels like a life that no longer aligns with me. I desire a life without OT. And yet I would have to be an OT and bust my ass in a nursing home to catch up financially. It is a nice offer and could help me out a lot. But is it the dream offer? Better than I could imagine? I would say no. It’s moments like these I wish I still had Rebecca to guide me. It’s days like these where I wish I had more stability and trust within myself. I truly feel blocked and clouded and as if I don’t really know what I’m doing at all.

I question whether I am giving in to a repetitive cycle. I wonder if this is all a test. I worry about making the wrong decision. I have followed my gut this far, and while I can boast about all the dreamy insights, about all the growth, the love and peace I have found within myself; I am simply missing one piece and that is the wealth to support the dreams I have, to let go of my old self. This blockage has become more than annoying. I wish I could figure out what to do to release from such. Or if I already have? Where is my next step? If it is New Mexico, I can accept it and I will follow. My gut is not thrilled. I sense a repetitive pattern of self sacrifice, of a depressive hardship, of another dreadful war to live my dreams. I sense as if the pressures of this society, to conform into a career that I no longer desire, that no longer aligns. Once upon a time, this offer could have been a dream offer, but it is not the one I seek now. All I can see is a depressed Sarah. My inner child feels betrayed. And yet? What other options do I have? I work hard to be a devout practitioner to my path and listen to my direction. This all has to be working out for me. I refuse to give up on my dreams. Maybe this opportunity in New Mexico is the next step to freedom. Maybe I am rushing the process and missing out on something better than ever because I am upset it is currently not how I envisioned getting to my dream life. I digress. I struggle to redirect to positivity, to a sense of grounding and truth. I struggled to find discernment between my excitement, my anxiety, and my insanity. I am calling out to be caught. Please catch me with love.