May 14th, 2023- Last Quarter Pisces

Today has not been the best of days. To say I am skeptic of it all is to say the least. After facing stressful financial truths, I question if I actually did the right thing. I have followed all the signs. I do not understand what it is I am missing. Nor what I am learning here being pushed to this limit. I cannot redirect the fear much longer of all the loss for this change. I feel desperate and in need of an opportunity. Or shall everything I have sustained perish? It is necessary to feel into these days of deep emotion. It is important to cry when feeling the need. However, I am tired, so utterly tired of crying. Feeling as if I am wrong for doing “exactly” as I believe to have been guided to do along this spiritual path. A test of my faith? Or a another shatter delusionment? I worry about myself and the uncertainty of my future. I am on the brink of financial turmoil. I am sitting in the best patience I can gather myself to find. Breathing with brief panic. This is the most discomfort I have withstood. It reminds me of childhood, when my mother was facing these same battles. An opportunity is predicted to be right here. I am trying so hard to dream into it. But equally fear the frying of my mind. Am I delusional to see and feel as I do?

I hate to feel like such a victim. I have truly applied for job after job within my field. They all state that they are “impressed by your qualifications, but we have chosen to go with someone else.” I have felt such rejection and instability. I have never had such trouble finding a job. I left my other job with certainty that I could find another job easily. That I did not have to tolerate something I felt so unethically impure. I feel as if I am being punished for standing not only for my own personal beliefs, but strong principles that I deem missing within society. I demanded change for the better to create a healthier space, filled with love. I believed I could fly. I believed I otherwise would be caught. This free fall leaves a pit of adrenaline and anxiety deep within the pit of my gut. I do not know how much longer I can tolerate this veil. My desperation is leaking, which I fear may be a reason I have not gotten accepted. I fear that I am too passionate. I fear that I am insane. My emotions, that guide me, do not necessarily feel in control either. Another sense of feeling lost.

I boast about the perfection of my life and the deep romanticism I feel for it when I detach from my problems. The truth be told that money causes problems. It is a story I am dying to release. I wish, I wish with all my heart, to be financial free. To embody fuck you money and begin the deep change in the world I seek to create. I cannot see my blockage. I put my all into these practices. I believe to be following them very seriously, and yet here is this arise of disbelief. Is this all an ego trap? Whenever I retake the mushrooms to uncover, I am met with “keep going.” A roller coaster of clingy reassurance within this vulnerability of walking along the dark watery depths. I am struggling more than I care to admit. I continue to redirect myself into my dreamy belief of what I desire to cultivate into my world. I will manifest my dreams. I demand them into my existence. I stand firm in myself and the ideals that I believe necessary to build the foundations of a new world. A world of peace, of balance. A leader of living by example and changing the status quo. The Zeitgeist. The war for Justice over the ascension of our realm. As I also battle the fear of failure, of narcism, of insanity. I fear homelessness, foreclosure and the humility of completely destroying my sanctuary by my own arrogant hand. Is this confidence or bravado? I am truly not sure. I am only guided by what I feel has been sent to me. If this does not conclude with benevolence, I may fall apart.

Why have I been denied every new job opportunity? I know I have been manifesting to and a dream career. My husband tells me I am being to harsh and that I actually love my job. He does not understand the burn out. He does not understand the need for this change to live a life we have been praying for. Yet I understand what he is saying. I do love working with children and helping them. I find I have a very strong power to teach them. I am a motherly figure, as I have recently discovered. I am working very hard to align with that frequency. Yet, there’s still the fear, the let down, that it is not real. Especially if I cannot either have a viral art, candle, witchy spiritual business nor can I have a balanced OT or supplemental job. This is not to be overly negative. I do not wish to cast that into the world. This is merely the truth of a reality observation. I feel denied and blocked of income. I do not wish to feel this depth of fear and poverty any longer. I beg to let go of the disbelief that I deserve the dream life, the good life.

I hate feeling these depths of despair. I am met with the ultimatum of living a life where I felt I was wearing a mask, or living life where I feel as meant to be but starve in vein. I am reminded as I write this, I took a break to pour some tea; as I was doctoring up my tea with my specialities, my husband found a dime in the washer, which he speculated to be the cause of all the noise. I had recently been told of a story about dimes being an angel message. It involved a woman I was involved in a tarot reading for. It was a very healing interaction. As I had been sitting here in my pity from the tension of my day, I am grateful for such a reminder of that interaction, that had brought me to tears. Another divine message of peace. I am causing my own suffering of impatience. Yet, as my husband fought with me over all day, there is a truth to the reality of the risks we are facing and the intensity of the discomfort I have interjected us both into with this free fall. I can only continue to surrender that what is best for me will come to me. That I will be protected and able to achieve more time.

I am my own worse enemy. I continue to require such work of releasing the need for external validation. The trust I have within myself has been pushed to the limit. I am flying by the seat of my pants, scraping by the skin of my teeth. This is a close call and I ultimately have risked all that I can risk. Only time will tell, while I know it is an illusion, it is all I can wait for, pray for, and surrender to.