May 11th-12th, 2023- Last Quarter Aquarius

Today has been the most valley and peak of days. I awoke with such financial stress and dread of the ghosts that haunt my career nightmare. After hours of crying, purging and accepting “reality based truths,” I decided I was not going to let this ruin the high I had been on yesterday, nor the highs of the glimpses of peace I have experienced during this hiatus. As draining as it felt to go to the gym today, I went and was able to go with my hubby. We just started a new gym and it is adequate for the time being. It is not our favorite, nor family gym. We miss the crew at Rochester Performance Gym. However, we will at least be able to get a workout in and enjoy a fairly decent sauna. It ended up being the right move to redirect the despair I was about to sulk in for the rest of the day. I left reconnecting to my highs and dream-state. The inner peace I have cultivated, that I am awaiting to align within my physical reality of utter and total liberation.

It is blatantly obvious that my husband and I, both with Capricorn Stelliums in our chart, struggle with success and perfectionism. It has been nice to let go of the ideal and step into the necessary. As long as we are getting it done, the dream and perfect scenario will present itself. Or so we are telling ourselves to make it through this storm. I continue to feel as if the storm is over, the clean up has begun, the skin has been shed and now it is a time of awakening. I find that it was necessary to take the time off and rest. However, maybe if I would’ve surrendered with more ease, I would’ve accomplished such purging faster. And yet? I did my very best to fast track the process and I do not believe that is allowed in the rule book. Unfortunately, I cannot intellectually analyze myself out of my process, my feelings and my journey. I can only observe intellectually as I experience it all and gain deeper shifts. I have found majority of my shifts to be within an ancestral realm of healing, which in return is healing my timeline to the highest of sorts.

It is amazing and truly beautiful to see how such emotional purging and baggage can be physically manifested and held. I am now approx 113lbs. I have not been this small since high school. Prior to this deep rest and fast, I was 152lbs or 69kg. I was a competitive powerlifter. After I won my first competition? I finally was able to let go the need to prove myself. I did it. I took the gold. I went up on stage. It was not how I wanted it to go. I didn’t look as I wanted nor did I feel as powerful as I thought I would. I was almost bored, disappointed, angry that I would’ve done better if I didn’t have to spend the last year rehabbing my ankle. In 2020, for those who do not know, I was in a car accident, broke my ankle and was non weight bearing for 10 weeks. I did more to maintain my strength back then. I was still going to the gym with my boot. Doing unilateral exercises and a lot of upper body. I began to fit into my new home at RPG with my now husband. At the time of the wreck we had just started dating, and after the wreck we moved in together. Chad has always been my rock and biggest support from day one. However, being at RPG, I was faced with more insecurity than I could imagine.

When I had been lifting before, I had been strong for my size and level of experience. I was not ridiculed as much, or maybe I didn’t bring it into my awareness. Nonetheless, when I switched gyms to be with my husband, I started to notice all the major comparisons. I no longer saw others as inspiration and excitement for my journey, but competition. Chad never mentioned wanting me to gain size. I had already had it in my head I needed to bulk, somewhere around 2 years before Chad. Another decision made to prove myself to others. I had become sick of being a twig and flat board, as I had been called. I began lifting and became fit with a fitness model body. However, then I was ridiculed for not being able to be called a powerlifter. I was still too skinny. Even lifting twice my body size and being “full” sized to my frame, I was not good enough. There came the unhealthy relationship with food again. One I struggled with time and time again. Whether it was counting calories, binging or intermittent fasting… I just wanted to fit.

Truth be told, I have been slightly mal nourished in my lifetime due to these unhealthy behaviors and relationships bestowed upon me by society. While I find that part of our culture sickening and damaging to the minds of all youth, I do not pass any blame. I again, should’ve told everyone to fuck off, which is what I wanted to do. It is what I said in my mind over and over again, Yet here I was, roboting my way into fitting in, being liked and trendy. A cycle that presented itself constantly. After my competition and we struggled with fixing up our house? I quit wasting money, time and energy trying to force the gym to fit. I decided to let it go. Try jiujitsu, which ultimately failed as well. I was continuing to force myself into a masculine energy, a survival feminist. I was blocking myself from living the soft divine feminine life of my dreams with my prince charming. Blindly of course. I did not realize how deeply rooted these feelings and actions had become. Which ultimately is a lie, because I did know. I always know. I am simply in a delusional denial over it. I find justification after justification as to why I do what I do. At the end of the day? It’s usually to please someone else. So now, I am here for me and me alone. I have understood what it truly means to be connected to everything and attached to nothing.

I am embracing myself in my entirety and love that the full blown start to my Saturn return is with a fresh slate. My body is the physical manifestation of that. I am a skeleton. I lost my phat ass and I have not felt like my hot girl self in a long time. Some may blame my husband, there was a time I wanted to blame him for “not allowing me.” My excuses of course for not wanting to take ownership for the healing I initiated. Chad despite his own healing needs, kept me veiled to show me the space for all the false directions I was forcing the flow of my energy. My body, my fitness and my expressions of such were equally a part of that. I was able to heal the trashy sides, the attention seeking, the desperate need to be THAT BITCH… laughable really to only conclude I always have been and all of this was a test, a ploy to knock me out of that conscious state of confidence I always have held. I am ready to engage in meaningful tasks in the aura of what they mean to me, not what they mean to others. I find that I spent too much time being Goldilocks trying every fit I could, when I had right choices within my own inner compass the whole time. It is truly astonishing how easily you can be hijacked. Another reason they ensure they get to you in vulnerable childhood.

I realize that I have never needed to find myself, Sarah has always been here. The child touched by an angel, the future Mother Theresa, the airhead agnostic and the devout Satanic Witch. We are all one in the same, only corrupted to be demonized and viewed other-ly. I have proven to myself and the gods above and below that I will no longer allow anyone to tell me who I am, what I will do, or if I am right. I am not perfect, life is a never ending lesson. But I do know that I do not have to carry the judgment of others, judgment of which I never agreed with to begin with. I have found the peace within myself and the purest form of self love. Not a false idol filled with filtered social media posts. Not the goody two shoes career path that shines the heart energy I wish to share with the world. Not a wardrobe, body type, make up, hair color, political party, sexual orientation, nor a diagnosis. I am who I am and I am here to grow, to evolve into my best self. The highest self and what that looks like in alignment with my soul, the universal law and divine purpose of this realm. Nothing in this world will define me to the fullest degree. I am a specific interaction you can only experience. I am the scales, the karmic judge of your heart. I am your best friend or your greatest enemy. The mirror you cannot escape from. The empathetic healer. The one who coaches you into greatness with tough love. The title you give me, is entirely up to you. That is no longer a burden I choose to carry. I cannot say I truly give myself any title either. For I simply am love. I am life.