March 9th, 2023- Full Moon Phase Libra

As I sit here and mope around the house. Uninspired by what I am limited to do. Wishing I could think of something productive and proactive to do to continue to build my goals. However, I truly feel like doing nothing at all. I feel as if I have no idea what I am doing. I feel as if the Tarot is nothing but a liar. I continue to pull insightful cards of my dreams and have yet to witness the physical manifestation of it all. I continue to connect the signs. I continue to listen and yet I still feel blocked. Which, if I am blocked, why can I not unlock myself? I am begging for the answer of what more to do. The answer continues to be doing as I am. As I am? While it feels good to be doing so, the wealth needs to come in to continue this to grow. I am roaming in uncharted waters. What I am doing as I am doing it, has been stressful. I am unsure if I would say damaging, as I continue to see the lessons and how it all is unraveling. However, I am so tired. Mentally I feel a need to rest. I have enough stock on my store for sales. I have plenty of content to post. Physically I feel urgency. I am wanting to move and do something. My tailbone feels deformed as I sit and lounge more than I ever have in my life. I miss exercise and energy to complete all the warrior tasks of my desires.

That is the lesson after all. I am in need of completing my south node challenges of Libra. Balance, softness, femininity and love. Surrendering to the cycles of the earth. Trusting in her gracious survival to always be born a new. I do have my faith in the path I have chosen. I am sure I need to simply rest. The pressures from my husband to make sure we can float is heavy. I feel for him. I have had to overcome so many emotional wounds from this experience. We have never been closer than ever emotionally speaking. It has not been fun, to say the least. His love and trust in me continues to shine brightly. He is able to calm the fearful abandonment of my inner child and release the thorns that surround the rose garden of my heart. I believe my truest fear is in disappointing him. Maybe the blockage is my own fear. Maybe I am in denial of my projections. My lack of faith in myself being blamed onto Chad. Due to the knowing he is only trying to assist in my growth. Knowing that he dreams of giving me the world. Knowing that he is pained that he feels he cannot provide the space necessary for our family to stay safe and secure. I could be self sabotaging through the sense of his stress and assuming that diminishes the sense of his love.

It has been patterned. I have always been shown the weakness within others. I have known the pathetic treatment from the spineless. Every man I have ever loved or admired, left the moment they realized I was a chaotic force, a destructive goddess. Chad has shown the most strength in containment of my feminine chaos, of my primordial nature. He has withstood the test of time. I fear that this test may be the final one. The one that breaks the back, breaks the spirit of the one I hold dear. My attachment to that inner masculine urge to “save” and provide within the home has my inner feminine bound from manifesting. I can see her slowly letting go of his hand. He is accepting the shift and the balance. He is honoring his completed purpose and is ready to transform into a newer, evolved purpose. Chad has allowed my nervous system to reset. His attentive care, his overwhelming eye for every micro expression of my being. His soul connection to connect to my cries deep within. He was able to figure out the blockage before I was aware of where to finally look. I had been driving myself mad release and purging. Truly destroying every toxic and misaligned part of my soul to release any blockage and catapult into my most abundant time line. I was blind to the mirror in front of me all along.

I believed to be releasing an inner teenager wound of depression and suicide. Feelings as if the world was better off without me. I had been so lost and deeply rejected within my power and nature. I had killed her, buried her deep inside myself. I was proud of myself for this dark accomplishment to resurface and heal. However, upon talking to my husband, which lately has been nothing but passionate arguments and fire energy tones, he began to soften. He was almost amused by how simple it was and how complicated we both were making it out to be. The splinter radiating all the extra drama was the wound of abandonment. My inner feminine not feeling safe out of conditioned and survivalist fear. He mocked at me and said, “I am not leaving you. We can place a wager. I’ll show you babe, you may leave me, but I am never leaving you.” Initially I was irritated by his response. It was only a microsecond, but subconscious programmed emotions usually are hard to catch. You need to be quick. The shadow could not believe Chad. How dare he highlight a vulnerability within myself. I am a queen. I am strong, you cannot see through these walls. The false bravado of the facade of what it means to be a divine feminine and the illusion of protection vs self sabotage. I was telling myself a story, a story of the past. A story that never existed within the new security I have now been found and nested within. I was repeating a defense mechanism to secure my heart, when I needed nothing more but to ask for what my heart desired to know. Chad told me three more times, “I am not leaving you. I am not leaving you. I will not leave you.” He kissed me between each time. The fear of his disloyalty, the fear of his disbelief was a reflection. A reflection we both mirrored and triggered within each other as twin flames do.

My relationship with Chad has been the first relationship I have experienced where someone truly saw my soul as a whole. The first I have experienced raw love. The only person to love me unconditionally no matter the pain or terror I bring forth. He dances by my side, working endlessly to protect, provide and problem solve. I can see a true masculine for the first time in my life. A masculine energy that has been dead and hibernate for far too long. A masculine of the old, the ancient, the original. Understanding this energy within my spouse has given me a deeper trust to surrender to the divine feminine within. To surrender to my muse, my magick.

That is the power of surrendering to the rest and the observation of the dreamer. The inspirations arise in divine time, with no need to rush. No need to scurry. Only to float. Only to soar.