March 29th, 2023- First Quarter Cancer

I began meditating through conversation with myself. Reflecting all the details, questions and conclusions of the mother wound. While understanding the ancestral root, the forgiveness from my grandmother and how I am the placeholder of healing. There are almost too many thoughts and insights to attend to on this subject matter. Details beyond details.

I understand that simply enough, my mother desperately wanted a life of her own. I can see how my grandmother desired that as well. I couldn’t speak on any other generation due to lack of relationship within this realm; I can sense that it was a common theme. A theme of desperation, desire, willpower, manipulation and survival. My grandmother had come to me through a collective reading. A reading with which, I wanted to cry through but equally was able to stop and lose that desire. I was able to stand firm and accepting. No need to cry, which had been a pattern of empathy or maybe simply sympathy. It wasn’t rude. It was confident. I accepted the apology. I understood what it meant unconsciously, deeply within I sensed a switch click through the message beyond the grave.

I have been missing my grandmother dearly. I dearly, truly regret her not being able to meet Chad. Which it was out of my control. Ultimately she could’ve came to me. I was bound to the state of Michigan and on probation. I hadn’t seen my grandmother in person since July 2020. How I wish that was not the last hug. The last deep breath filled with her scent. I truly love my grandmother. It seems she has been the only one of my bloodline to be truly within my corner despite how uncomfortable I make them to be. My grandparents and I always joked I was the favorite. And not to be arrogant, but there definitely was a special bond between us, one that I don’t think the others understand nor relate to, no offense to them. My grandmother always lit up when I spoke. She didn’t quite understand my radical ways. She would often say I get off, off of shock value. Which is true to an extent. I do find it to be very fun. My grandmother seemed to get me on some level. Despite her equal participation in wounding of me as a child. I was able to tell my grandmother my feels, and even though it took time.. yelling, screaming, crying and ungodful words.. she never gave up on me. We continued to try to talk every week or so. She was the only one geeked, through the moon and externally, loudly giddy over my finding of love with Chad. I know she knew what it meant to me to find someone. She always wanted me to find a prince charming. Who knew, she was right with my Demonic Knight. I wanted her to experience his energy. HIs love in person. I wanted her to see how he loved me. She didn’t need to, of course, she already knew. However, I thought it would’ve been such a sweet treat for her to see. It saddens me she never got to experience it. I equally detest the fact he never gets to eat her cooking and have her ruin his hair with a classic Weezy haircut. I only say ruin, as Chad is particular and grandmother will do what grandmother desires. (Said with the most love).

I understand that each generation does the best that they can with who they are, what they have and what they have been through. I wish they all understood I do not say any of this truth or analysis with hatred. I express it with feeling and understanding. I express with a need for healing. I will never understand why the others cannot see as my grandmother saw. I can feel she blames herself. I can feel her pain between my aunt and my mother. I can see the downfall and black hole of the relationship fading away. My desire was to express healing, promote problem solving. Yet, I am viewed as a blamer. Why are my good intentions met with such conviction?

I understand that having a mirror turned inward is uncomfortable. I do not understand how the reward for such is not worth sitting with the minor inconvenience? I am not comfortable with my own mirror, but I understand that facing it only brings me to nirvana, to peace. I yearn for the understand that, that is all I desire to give to others. I feel the frustration rising within me. Why can’t the just fucking get it? It is not that difficult to understand the depth in the concepts I am preaching. Why can’t this world catch up? Why can’t I make them see?

I equally understand that I am a reminder of failure, discomfort and nightmares. As I have gotten to know my father on a deeper level, a beautiful relationship we are forming, I have concluded the roots of a core part of my genetics. I remember comments made from my mother out of spite, about how she was glad none of us were like him. My mother was very hurt by the relationship. I do not believe she has recovered. I do not believe she has recovered from any of her wounding. But as I grow, I see I am very much like my father. I have good strong qualities of my mother as well. I find an amazing balance of both of their strengths and karmic lessons. I will not call them weaknesses, only areas of growth for the lineages. I do believe my mother was praying deeply for freedom at the time of my conception. Astrologically speaking, this is a reason behind my astrological placements and purpose within being born to the family bloodline, outside of my soul family. I was the answer to my mothers prayer’s. Maybe even some of my father’s too. I have yet to discover where his heart was at during the time of our gestation periods. I understand he was focused on building a stable, providing career that equally made him happy. I understand how my mother felt she was being controlled and forced to start over every time she became comfortable. I understand how the poor communication between them and the significant differences in personality created the outcome it did. This is what happens when emotions are forced under the rug, when communication is met with assumptions and misalignments create energetic wounding within the quantum field.

I understand more so now that I am meant to cultivate a life of my own. A life of freedom and dreams to heal the feminine within my blood. As a result, I equally am leading the healing of the feminine within my soul family as I reconnect with them more and more each day. I find the extension of my family growing every second of every moment. I see that while I may feel uncomfortable or intense at times through these transmuted messages, I am designed to do so. I am more than strong or capable. It simply is who I am. I am meant to feel it to connect to it, to align with source to alchemize, to heal, to restore balance. I felt weak or that I was incapable because I would feel so deeply, and it frightened me. I thought feeling it as intensely as I did was wrong of me. I am now able to discern which is mine and which is the energy I am holding space to transmute. This is decreasing the overload and over storage of weighted energy within my field. I can understand now how to ground and center myself. I understand now that my ability to sense and feel the depth of the entirety of the situation not only levels up my own growth faster, it allows me to pay it forward for the collective, the greater good. No more than standing firm behind what I feel, which generates that of which I speak.

I am learning how to discern, detach, tap in and tap out. Recognize myself vs the presence of another. I understand the signs emotions bring and the guidance within to direct my behaviors. This is a sense of control within my subconscious and conscious I do not recall ever completely connecting to… I can feel the rising. I can feel the essence in every action I do. I can feel the flow of myself in the act of every day living. Romanticizing the mundane as if they were set up plots for the climax of my movie. Playing anthem music to express the vibe of the situation. Gliding through life as if I will have my fairytale. My first volume is about to enter into the final closing scenes. With the expressions to details that tie up the loose ends. Sharing dramatic scenes filled with bliss, love and justice. I envision the end of Legally Blonde. An “It Girl” dream I have had since I first saw that wonderful Libra driven movie. One that aligns with my North Node. One that provides with me a mirrored art expression of my path in life with my authentic flare.