March 20th, 2023- Balsamic Phase Pisces

My final reflection and death rite of the Pisces energy, of this year before we move into our Aries Sun has been a struggle for me to commit to typing and confronting to the world. It is on my dearest mentor, Rebecca, Darling Star Heathen. I am hurt by her actions and am truly left perplexed, which is why I have chosen to write it out. I have mediated and discussed this topic with my spirit mother and my bestest friend. I did not want there to be any drama or issues. I needed to turn inward and redirect any wounds within myself. I utilized my spirit mom and friend as nothing more than a soundboard. Begging them to tell me I was wrong, misdirected and all of the above.

Rebecca and I had some conflicts during the Capricorn/Aquarius season. To which, I will say was within myself. I had brought it to her attention to discuss my feelings with her in hopes to resolve the issues I had been sensing. Confused between my intuition, protective voice of my husband and my own inner anxieties and wounds. I had been in a vulnerable place mentally and emotionally releasing and purging so much within myself. I did not want any of that ugliness to carryover into a relationship I honored and held so dear. Rebecca had been an impactful person and mentor within my life. What a betrayal it would be to uncover she never truly liked me, loved me and was simply like all the others who only wanted to benefit from my energy. I confronted her with a long email. Only an email to be able to write and get all my thoughts out. To slow them down in hopes I could uncover some peace for myself. I believed we had hashed it out. She responded with a deeply emotional voice note and expressed all her love for me, which I replied with the same. We were able to, or so I thought, release deep feminine wounds within myself and per her expression, herself as well. We concluded that conversation stating how much “YASSSSS!!” I felt in continuing to write the Ritual Section to her Lunar Magazine. A magazine project I had invested in personally, out of love for her and in belief in what she had to offer and stood for. It breaks my heart to know and accept that, that has indeed changed.

After our “healing” conversation, there was still a nagging, gut wrenching feeling within me. I did not talk to Rebecca about it any further. I had to dive deep into myself on my own. I felt as if she was manipulating a message within my intuition. Maintaining my denial that Rebecca would ever wish any harm onto me, or even hold any dislike or disgust for me, I began mediating on the subject. Constantly pulling tarot card after tarot card. Feeling as if they didn’t make sense, as if they were not telling me the message I wanted, needed or could understand. I felt as if I was in a whirlwind. Which is why I ended up surrendering and expressing my feelings to the last remaining ladies I could converse with. Still fearing that they too, would ultimately be lying to me as well. I had such an anxiety over being a paranoid Aquarius. A term in which Rebecca had often reported to me within my readings. (Yes, a red flag I have since accepted). Both my trusted friends had given me insights on all planes. They did not hold any biases in their conversation with me. They played devil’s advocate and equally allowed me space to process. Both externally provided me with tarot readings and continued to support me in uncovering the intuitive truth. The pure truth, I am not sure I will ever discover. I can only accept what I feel and the facts behind the behaviors as they have presented themselves to me.

Last I had discussed with Rebecca, her and I were in agreement over the Aries guide. The Pisces guide had fallen short. My beautiful ritual guide was not included over a technicality within the deadline. Which I expressed full accountability for, in my delay. It was due 1/25 and I turned it in at 3 am on 1/26. I had personally been experiencing a whole deep dive within myself and a chaotic experience in every aspect of my life. I did not blame her for saying she had to stick to her boundaries of a deadline. My logic behind the situation was, she did not give me a timeframe. She said it was due 1/25, and by any logic from colleges to business, that means until 11:59pm of that day. She emailed and stated she would be formatting the magazine on 1/25 and 1/26. Which if she told all her writers to have the documents to her by 1/25? She should have organized her time to fit that very normalized understanding of deadlines. However, I empathized with her reasonings and her need to stand up for herself. I accepted that she could not find the time to place my Pisces Ritual within her guide. I told her for the Aries Cycle to give me a time deadline in order to serve her best and to align with my creative process.

I understand some to view my creative process to be that of procrastination, and to a degree it most definitely is that. However? In defense of myself, I like to wait and gather all details and live the life before I write. I experience every detail on my rituals on some level or another before sharing it with the world. Which can result in flying by the seat of my pants and completing tasks right up to the last minute. Is this frustrating for some? Most definitely. But again, as someone who had gotten to know me as a client and on a deeply personal and vulnerable level for over the course of a year, I believed she to understand this. I believed her to know me, accept me, see me and understand me. Which is why she asked me to write the piece. Why else would she “hire” me to write this section? It did not matter that she was not paying me and that this was a collaborative creative project. When I ask anyone to do anything for me, I ask them with the understanding that they will do it their way and not my way. Which is why I asked them to do it in the first place. I had become very frustrated with Rebecca over the situation. Again, which is why I chose to talk to her about it, so we could hash it out and get back into a flow together. We ended the conversation on such a happy, healing, and pure note, that I am beyond perplexed at the ending results.

I waited and waited to receive the email from Bex with the prompts to structure my ritual guide for her magazine. The email never came. She never messaged me in regards to this cycle. I had continued to sense these intense feelings that I initially brought to her attention. They continued to grow and I felt robbed and lied to, manipulated and gaslit. The entire situation felt very Regina George in Mean Girls. This is not to demonize Rebecca, nor victimize myself. I hate the ugliness of the Mean Girls feeling and it was triggering me into a state of ick I had experienced from far too many female friends. I had been working on healing my feminine and those wounds. I continued to do my best to turn inward and heal myself. I believed Rebecca would do right by me. Why have that entire conversation for absolutely fucking nothing? Why continue to lead me on and not stand by your word? I do not understand these choice actions of others.

As I ended up having a significant financial change within my home, I had to discontinue my services with Rebecca as my Lunar Tarot Reader. I loved her reports. I looked forward to them every cycle. I was so eager and hungry to keep going with my path and knowing what I needed to do next. She does an amazing job with her Spirit Crafters and other tiers. I recommended her services to everyone I interacted with. I could not get enough of what she had to offer. It was so beautiful to me. It broke my heart that I could not justify spending that money. I hated that I could not invest in myself in that way, nor could I support my friend and mentor. I reached out to her to let her know. I was going to do everything I could to swing the money together, but I may have to miss out for a cycle or two or so. I told her maybe it was time for me to fly? She responded saying “No worries. People come and go. You never need to explain that to me.” I was hurt by her response. It felt as if she could not wait for me to no longer be a customer. It felt as if she was beyond ready to relieve herself of my energy. I again, felt this to be a wound and turned inward. Trying to convince myself it was not true, but a personal problem of my own. I had to remove myself from Rebecca’s energy and anyone associated with her for a brief moment to clear my space, my mind and my energy to truly assess the situation. I stayed away from social media pages and posts as much as I could, muting them for my clarity, but sending love to ensure they didn’t sense or feel any animosity. Animosity which I did not have and did not want. I had already discussed these feelings with Rebecca. There was no need to bring it all up again. I believed it was my responsibility to heal this within myself.

I continued to wait to hear from her about the Aries Guide. I loved being a part of the guide. I loved everything that all these empowered women had to offer. I was blessed to equally be one of them. I believed it to be a true masterpiece. I could have reached out and asked Rebecca about why I was still waiting for the email and the information. However, just as I knew which responsibilities were mine, I knew which ones were hers. It was her responsibility to have the courage, respect and initiation to either inform me of the prompts or to inform me that she personally wishes to go in another direction. She did neither. I justified this behavior with the potential of her not doing the guide anymore as she was equally evolving and assessing her next steps in herself, her life and her business. I knew ultimately the answers would present themselves. To which they did.

Rebecca had shared and posted her Aries guide online. She still has yet to discuss any part of it with me. She has not provided any insight to her decision, which ultimately is her right. She truly does not owe me anything. I am simply hurt over the awakening from another delusion. A delusion in where I thought I was loved and accepted as I am, where I in fact was not. I hold no aggression towards Rebecca or any of these ladies who equally were a part of the loyalty to Rebecca or the Mean Girls vibe. It’s another lesson for my own personal journey. I continue to encourage all beginners to reach out to Rebecca to learn and grow, for she truly helped guide me. I encourage all to purchase her magazine, as it is beautiful and well put together.

I personally am still struggling and processing with understanding the why behind this event. Was Rebecca envious in any way? Did I do something wrong and my own blinders haven’t allowed me to see it? And if I did, why didn’t she care enough to resolve the conflict with me? All of these questions come to one conclusion. The conclusion of an end to a chapter, an end to a season. She did not do what was right by me out of her own cowardice, insecurity, ego and true desire simply not to do it. None of which is my problem to bear. I can only be grateful for our time together, the truth in the strength she taught me and the lessons needed for my own spiritual growth.