March 18th-19th, 2023- Balsamic Phase Aquarius-Pisces

As we come towards the end of the year, I found a beautiful detachment from truly anything at all. I found a state of presence and pure flow. I spent this weekend truly resting and softening through with a peaceful sigh. I had napped and engaged in minor rituals. I had enjoyed snacks of the unhealthy and I was able to talk to my favorite people over subjects that were which I desired to speak on. I did not engage in the mundane torture of small talk. Every moment of this weekend felt free. That may be a heavy statement to make considering certain thoughts and conversations that took place. What I am describing is that of a simple feeling, a knowing, of the peace truly felt deep within.

My husband and I had discussed our money frustrations and struggles, a hot topic and sometimes seemingly to be the only topic of discussion. The root of all evil and discomfort. However, these conversations were not as bicker-y, heated nor aggressive. There was a touch of love, of softness through the discussions on a subconscious level of spiritual understanding. My husband and I had to reach a conclusion within ourselves and within each other. We were able to uproot the blockage and release it to the final death day of the year. We needed to feel, see and know the universal truth that we deserve love, even when we have nothing to offer.

You see, Chad and I both to our deepest core have the purest of hearts. I saw his heart present itself in how he loved me, in the lengths he was willing to go for me. A man vilified for his intimidating masculinity. A man demonized for his intellectual, satanic, and adversarial tongue. Chad has been one of the most misunderstood men, that I have met. There is a very strong disconnect, a disconnect I recognized. One to be within myself as well. I understood his frustration in being deeply misunderstood, gaslit and belittled into believing you were unlovable. Chad has a long tale of constant betrayals by those he believed to hold dear. To Chad, if you hold a title of friend, family, spouse etc.. That truly has meaning and natural unspoken expectations. For if you were to not abide by? It would shake his earth. He had to learn and understand that the word of others, the word of this world has been corrupted. He pours his entire soul into the people he loves, honors and holds to be one of his people. He, like myself, will go to the ends of the earth to give his loved ones the world. He would stop at nothing to bring forth happiness to others. His pure spirit, taken advantage of by the weakest, most spoiled of slugs. He became conditioned into the thought pattern, he had to earn love, especially at the sacrifice of himself. In a constant mind fuck of providing near perfection and being manipulated into thinking it wasn’t even close to good enough. His will to succeed is unlike any other force I have seen. He never gives up and will surrender to any path to survive. He is a master survivor.

Following along our weekend with healing conversations on our long drives into town, we were able to deconstruct this dilemma holding our minds hostage. It was a beautiful release of pressure from within that manifested into a few tears. As we slouched deep into the comfort of our new insight and karmic lesson, I began to reflect on the beauty that was our weekend. A weekend filled with root to crown bridging.

I was able to disconnect, posting my normal content online, however mostly engaging out of pleasure. This entire weekend was a human filled weekend of pleasure; from rest to sex, to food to delightful social interactions with old friends. I had felt a sense of guilt in not fully dedicating my time to my spiritual path, my candles, my writing or any of the above. Fighting to “make sure” I put all my energy into making it. And yet, I truly lived yesterday and today.

Does it mean the purpose of life is to be pleasured? Well, yes and no. We deserve the beautiful divine experiences of this 3D plane. We deserve to experience all the sensations. The lesson is to not take it for granted. The lesson is to be present and enjoy every possible second that we are able to be alive. To work hard, but play harder. Today I felt a child like joy of excitement and gratitude that I get to experience any part of this life at all. I became so geeked as if I had taken mushrooms for the first time. Being in awe of all that surrounds me and knowing with more care or creativity, it will only be better. I enjoyed my life as it was, knowing that the freedom was here and the money to support it will come in due time. I experienced this level of love, excitement and divine security for the first time sober, without the assistance of my typical marijuana habit nor my therapeutic uses of psychedelics. The energy of this weekend at the end of the year felt as if I completed an insanely difficult race and now I get to celebrate my wins. An abrupt shift from instability to stability. I feel as if I won the game, completed the game and I am ready to level up and experience my next story line. I am truly blessed, grateful and in love with this wild journey. I am honored to be gifted to be able to connect how it all comes together. I feel a sense of wholeness and home. I feel a sense of balance between work and play. I no longer feel a sense of urgency for perfect plans. I finally believe within all of me that I am enough as I am, as I am meant to be day by day.