March 15th, 2023- Last Quarter Sagittarius-Capricorn

The battle of perfectionism and procrastination. A never-ending war within myself and my dreams. I have found that ultimately at the end of the day, why I justify my procrastination and obsessively feel the need to gather/observe every detail until the last minute has to do with the fact I NEED it all to be perfect. A false truth I have held deeply dear within my mind. A repetitive behavior I have yet to truly uproot and terminate. A constant battle of learning my own discernment, the need for patience and the need for impulsivity. It is a fine line I cross on either threshold time and time again.

I have told myself that I need to procrastinate. It is a part of my airy essence, my primordial call, my creative process. Which is partially true. I do need space, time in an immense amount in order to achieve all that I need to achieve within my craft. Whether this be writing, candle making, witchcraft or even something more simplistic as cooking, cleaning and other basic human needs. As they say you need to experience the dark in order to know the light. I often find on a daily cycle I incorporate those themes within every aspect of my life. I will not clean until it becomes apparently dirty. The complacency with security and routine has been a prison deep within my psyche. I have understood this to be a trauma response and accepting the chaos due to the lack I experienced as a child. I could argue this, as the natural law is chaotic and states how the world is ever changing. I have found a natural need to roll with the punches and go with the flow. However as an Aquarius stellium with an equal Capricorn stellium, I have found the boundaries of my scale to be incomprehensible, a paradox, a complexity intangibly large. Which is a great metaphor or equivalent to the scale of the earth. As a powerful mixture of Earth and Air ruled placements, it is only fair to state I have an energy as large as the world herself. With a need for all the grounding security of the world and the freedom of the air. The ability to glide with the ability to adapt/flow with the waters that grinds the earth into place. I have emotionally experienced the depth within all these elemental symbolisms. As equally I have a balance of fire and water within my chart. However, Air and Earth dominate by 10% so to speak.

I have discovered within myself that I have a need to balance out these forces like a perfect pie with a piece for every aspect of my being. I have discovered the roots of my unhappiness to be within the delusion of conforming to one aspect of myself. Constantly belittled and gradually entrapped within a prison of “you cannot be this if you are that.” Truth be told, I am all. I am the alpha and the omega. I am the light and I am the darkness. Like Queen Persephone I am that of Spring and Winter. Life and Death. The child of the Light Bringer and the Whore. My purposed drowned within the world of perfectionism to be the ultimate One.

This is a delusion and a lie. In order to be a god, to be a successful leader, it is living within the house of mirrors as one reflection. I have accepted that how I am perceived is the reflection of the person themselves. I can reflect within and transform with discernment of whether their projection was a true test of my will.

I imprisoned myself with my own desire to be a god. As a young child I always knew my purpose. Obsessed with the guidance and mentorship of Jesus Christ, as a Christian raised individual. The power to make an impact and lead the world to heaven. I knew my destiny. However, I was tested with failure and my adaptability through it. I have to believe that I knew each failure was merely a test; for I am the most devote cheerleader and mentor to others. I will forgive others wrong doings as an act of learning within this world. My empathy enriching the world, while setting ablaze to my own garden. Through the voice of the world and others insecure within their own failures, I fell into a mote of despair and failure. Unwilling to even try unless I had it all perfect. I can only recall the deeply vulnerable moments as a child where I had failed and fulfilled a mistake, only to be met with punishment and intolerance. Which transformed into a young woman, unsure of herself and questioning every natural instinct out of fear of failure.

The wretched fear of failure overcame my entire essence. The fear of being wrong for standing up for myself, my life and my desires that did not align with that of the status quo, my family and peers. I found myself taking the smallest of steps, steps that I knew to be amateur hour for me. The need for external validation along the way. Without the external validation, I would stay in place. If I could not find the approval, I remained the same until I did. My natural intuitive form that was demonized as impulsive and irrational had died. My power, my love and my light not only dimmed, but extinguished. I don’t believe all of these acts bestowed upon me to be out of malice or evil. Although, I am not ignorant to the ill intent of others. I can understand that there is a malicious intent, however that intent is rooted in anger, sadness and pain within the resentment they feel for themselves. My light was dimmed out of protection. For fear that I would fail because so many others had failed before. “Play it safe, you are capable, but you need to do it smarter.” I do not. I need to complete the task according to myself and myself is a lucky, intelligible drive that simply knows when to act and when to observe.

I had become blinded by the gaslighting and projections of the world. This is where my empathy and naivety for the souls within every individual was a test I did fail. I was not taught about projections of others until I was in my 20’s. Until then I believed every criticism to be a stabbing of truth for me to work on within myself. I became the martyr. The victim that held the wounds of others. Believing that is what it meant to be like Christ and turn the other cheek, to hold empathy. I was intentionally misguided by the forces of corruption that traumatizes the minds of the people. A pattern of abuse I was destined to break.

Which I have. I have broken multiple generational curses and promoted a deep healing within my ancestry, family units and all that have crossed my path. I have learned that failure is necessary to learn, a normalized truth preached throughout the masses. And yet, it is still twisted in the benefit of a higher force. Whatever that force may be, I am not sure which perspective to commit to. Either way, I simply know I cannot overpower that force externally. I can only do so within. I evolve within myself and that force then bows before me instead of the reciprocal.

I have now lost the desire for perfectionism. I am now engaging in that natural pull of impulsivity I have often denied and allowed to pour out uncontrollably. The typical overflow of a repressed shadow, of a repressed authenticity. I would not write a piece out of fear for needing more life experience to understand the point. I have a new writing philosophy of describing the journey instead of attempting to wait until the destination arrives. I no longer wait to promote myself to the public out of fear for not looking conventional nor put together. I have accepted that no mater the ugliness of my exterior based on societal standards, it does not equate to the true beauty I possess. Just as I know I can put in effort to “look better.” I am comfortable with presenting myself as I need to and as I feel. If I look homeless, it is because I feel homeless, or maybe it’s actually because I feel comfortable and I have more substantial tasks to worry about than something as minuscule as aesthetic. Which is a contradictory. Even my lack of aesthetic is an aesthetic. My pendulum swing of extremes from swamp witch to victorian beauty queen is an aesthetic. Every moment of feeling and external expression is beautiful within itself. I am an entity of poetry. There is beauty in each extreme and all the layers of grey between. There is beauty in darkness and darkness in beauty. There is beauty in the entirety of the human experience. It is now a time to surrender into the flow, the rise and fall of it all. For without any moment in my life, I would not be able to stand as I am. Without these experiences and lessons of pain, I could not attain such wisdom to fulfill my destiny here on earth as a romantic divine soul of the collective.