March 14th, 2023- Last Quarter Sagittarius

I began this Last Quarter feeling a sense of relief and confidence releasing out my previous story and feeling raw with myself wide open. I felt free. I had an overwhelming passion soar through my veins within my discussions to others in regards to finally pouring out my story of abuse and how to close that chapter for good. It would be bold to say that the victimhood of my past is behind me. I believe that to have been the weight holding me back all along. Carrying these stories and feeling as a victim, as a survivor.

I had expressed to Zannah my view of victimhood. It was met with the typical response to my very disruptive conclusions at the final releases of healing. I recently had viewed a South Park episode, one in which they mock the “privacy” of Meghan Markle and the Prince. The brand generator facility was the most accurate presentation of what it means to be somebody in this new social media driven world. A world, I equally struggled with conforming to and fighting against. I grew up in a weird point with social media. I was in the age group of humans who were halfway between the old patterns of the 90’s and moving into the new patterns of the early 2000’s. Desperate to fit in and feel accepted, I had forced myself to go along with trends and themes. Engage in posts, actions and beliefs to follow the steps of the wild west rebellion I felt called to do. Which evolved into a version of “do it for the vine,” equivalent now to the Tik Tok trends every other social media platform is trying to adapt. It is a disgusting web of losing yourself to be cool, to fit in.

I resonate with that battle far too much. More than I am comfortable admitting, however if I truly wish to grow, I cannot be in denial of the pressures of society. I cannot deny that no matter how passionate and true my rebellious heart is and desires to be, I equally conformed just like the rest. Everyone conforms at one moment in time or another. It is a test. A test to see if you would and a test to ensure your boundaries within yourself are true. If you don’t dabble yourself and experience these social structures, how can you truly know they are right for you? I believe my entire life has been a scientific observation of a social experiment to determine which feels proper for humanity and nature; and that which is propaganda and brainwashing enslavement. To each their own, what I view as slavery is a safe haven for others and I am sure vise versa.

To redirect to the brand generator business in the episode, at the end of very brand they stated victim. My husband and I laughed and pretentiously mocked these lesser than elite. We mocked any weak minded person who was pathetic enough to sense a need for something so preposterous. However, in reflection, my mocking was a minor projection of some deeper wounds I needed to release. Another layer of my old self purging away. I have found that a good portion of my life, I had been taught and conditioned how to always feel like a victim. I realized just how much I would victimize myself. Now this is not to say that me, telling my story is victimization. There is truth in my story, my experience and how I perceived the memory to play out. This is where the complexity of your mind comes into play. We are truly all victims at one point or another. We are all survivors of an unnatural natural world. What I have found matters, is the extent at which you express and extend your victimhood. Are you telling a story to release it from your mind? Or are you utilizing it in your benefit to gain some other materialistic desire?

I believe to have uncovered that materialism is not simply that which is material and consumeristic. Materialism seeps into our relationships and behavioral expressions. Materialism in a relationship is not only a gold digger, it is equally the liar who manipulates you to gain sex, status or any other external validation. Materialism is the desire of external validation. I had become lost in believing it only to be my desire for physical things, such as clothing, housing and other luxuries. There is nothing wrong with desiring luxury. The wrong comes from the willfulness to sacrifice yourself or another human in order to gain these falsehoods. Which I believe on a soul level we all truly sense, which is why we have to tell a story of victimhood to relieve the guilt behind it all. This can manifest in a multitude of examples on a plethora of layers within the human psyche.

For myself, I realized where the trauma’s that have happened to us are important to process, and yet theres a level we all tend to become stuck on. A level in which the entire collective is currently stuck expressing. At the end of it all, no matter what has happened to you, ultimately, it is all your fault at the root cause. It can take notches and notches of knots to untangle before you realize where the origin of these behaviors came from. It is a solid truth that all my assaults were my own fault. I betrayed myself. We all betray ourselves and allow trauma to happen to us. This is a brutal and hurtful expression and stance to make. I have received push back in my communication of it before. I am not victim shaming nor stuck in a phase of self loathing. I am being honest with myself and the world. Again, these situations are complex. I had been failed by a multitude of people at a young age. The ones who were meant to protect me, did so to the best of their ability, however their blind protection, was also what generated the butterfly effect of events. Not accepting me as I was within my self expression of phases, ruined my self esteem, which then psychologically ignited my unhealthy attachment to manipulators who gave me a gram of attention for me expressing myself or “seeing me.” I am not here to relieve all other predators within the mix of their guilt. They are guilty and should be tried as such by whichever set of beliefs they hold dear to them. Simply enough, we cannot control the actions of others. We can only control the actions of ourselves.

I could spend the rest of my life angry, sad or in “acceptance” of the wrong doings done to me and blaming this person and that person for allowing it to occur or for not protecting me and most importantly for not teaching me properly how to protect myself. That ultimately is another trench, another loop, another trap to redirect your focus on your own self and life. The entities who hurt me, only hurt me at the consent of myself. I believe it to be important we teach all children the necessity to find the strength within themselves to push through any fawning or freezing tendencies. I have discovered it to be a more empowered lesson that we educate the world to be willing to die for themselves.

To put this into an example, with my assaults, it is very easy for a lawyer to pick that apart and state it is not a case in the court of law due to my betrayal of myself. What would be the only loophole to this? For my external expression of the situation to align with the core emotion of what I felt during the experience of attack. I can hear the responses now.. “Are you saying we should let them brutalize us? Are you saying instead of safely laying there and taking it, we should fight and risk dying?” To which I would say yes. I have felt that ultimately, I would rather die than to ever allow someone else that emotional and mental control over me again. It has been said that murder is worse than rape. I would disagree. Living with the trauma is much more difficult than if I was to simply die. However, that can get into the argument of reincarnation and generational trauma, which will be for another time.

I lost myself more in tolerating and good girl-ing my way out of situations to maintain my safety. Eventually the good girl mask became the identity and I lost myself in the making. Becoming hyper sexual in defense of no one every taking away my ability to say no. How could they take away my no, if I am always saying yes. The only way to survive and stay safe had become a people pleasing sad expression of life; in which I was significantly miserable and angry inside. If you are not willing to fight, die and protect yourself despite whichever situation it may be? Then you do not deserve to live.

It had been brought to my attention that many victims will kill themselves after getting stuck within a loop of self pity and regret. They kill themselves because they can’t accept the truth they know within their soul. They kill themselves because the guilt of their self betrayal is too much to bare. I have been there myself. Which is why I find it important for us to change our victim mentality. I am not a victim, I am not a survivor. I am a human who experienced trauma. I am taking back my control and that begins on the honest slate of truth that I am the only one in command of my life, my destiny and my will.

I am aware of how triggering and unsettling this mentality can come across. To explain, this is what it means to follow the left hand path. Ultimately, no one is here to save you. Not a mother, a friend nor an imaginary god. I cannot control the man with a sexual thirst so deeply rooted within his own trauma that he will stop at nothing to get it. I can potentially talk to him and assist him in healing by identifying his behaviors through a therapeutic model. However, I could only achieve that in a therapeutic setting. If I was his intended victim? The only rite of healing I can extend would be to equally become and present to him the beast within me that mirrors the beast within himself. This is an extreme example that can be watered down or escalated depending on the circumstances. The main point, the mantra, you are the only one in control of your reality and all that happens to you. Every choice needs to be made with clear intent. We need to raise our children with clear focus and intent on how to show them to stand strong for themselves. How to radiate the purest level of self love. Give me liberty or give me death.

A simple statement, often only viewed in the context of war. We are all constantly in a state of war. That is what it means to be alive. The Buddhists express that life is suffering, therefore, in my opinion, that relates that, to be alive is to be at war with yourself in some manner. It can be a collective war with guns and the standard depiction of war, or it can be something that is seemingly smaller; such as the war a toddler faces within themselves against an incompetent or neglectful parent. The worst thing that has ever happened to us, is the worst thing that has ever happened to us. While yes, that can highlight a need for perspective to the entitled cunts existing in the world as human beings. It is also a lesson in empathy. You are one decision away from being any one you see in front of you.

In a general context, every emotion is very real to the person feeling and perceiving it. We all have our own perceptions. Forcing someone to conform to your perception is how we ignite the flame within the argumentative entanglements of our collective outrage. But yet, without some basis of standard, we all become lost in what is real and what is not. This is how we struggle to walk the tightrope that is balance of the collective and individual scale.

I am not sure I have all the answers. However, I do know the way in which we raise our children needs to change. The attention behind the ideology of what is means be a victim needs to die if we are ever to evolve past this point. There is nothing wrong with a recovery story. They are beautiful and inspiring. They are designed to uplift you out of the rut and overcome the sensations of victimhood into that of a hero. However, nowadays everyone wants a trophy for being a victim without putting in the discipline to face the truth within themselves and grow on a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level. Everyone wants to become a King or be the main character without the development.

This is not to say that we don’t all deserve a standard basis of human decency and empathy. The scales have tipped too far in what it means to truly be a victim, to truly be a survivor and to deserve the title of royalty. We have lowered the standards in a corruptive attempt to imbalance the scales for that of the other. The slave mentality is the plague over our society. It has weakened the power and control of our leaders. It has overcome them. It is almost as if we have flipped the script and the roles are reversed. Another cycle of Animal Farm has been reborn. It is time for the people to release their victim titles and become the warriors of essence they once were in another lifetime. For every decision we have ever made from the time we have been born, has lead us to this road we are on. If we desire to make a change, we have to change within ourselves. We need to embrace ourselves as we are with raw honesty and extend that discomfort with grace. You only know what you know and you don’t know what you don’t know. Bring the truth to awareness, sit with the emotions it brings and alchemize that story into the origin of your uprising. You are not a victim, nor a survivor. You are a god.