June 2nd-5th, 2023- Full Moon Sagittarius

This full moon phase felt like the Olympic Race of my Life. I felt as if I had spent all my time training for this moment. I felt as if I could see the finish line and it was now or never. I needed to dig deep and find that most exhausted source of inner power and courage to push through in order to win. It felt as if someone or a group of theys were on my tail, catching up and nipping at my heels. I couldn’t trip up now. I couldn’t allow them to beat me. I can reflect now and conclude that those I was racing against, could’ve been past selves, or other selves that I did not wish to be, desire to become; or maybe it was the selves I feared I would end up being based upon other’s judgments. Either way, I can proudly say I crossed the finish line and took the gold. I can feel it within my bones that I did.

I knew what I was ready to accomplish. I have been waiting for this moment, for all my life. And yet, I was terrified. I couldn’t commit to the insight to take my LSD tab for the full moon. I originally felt I would take it to celebrate on the Summer Solstice. Which I can still do with other mediums of fun. As this full moon cycle came closer and I connected with the passionate intensity of what it means to unapologetically accept your authentic self. The Sagittarius nonchalant and “dick-ish” outcry to never budge when it comes to self expression overcame me this weekend. It equally shook me to my core. I feared how wrong I could be. I feared all I would lose choosing myself and my path. I had done nothing but lose people, places, things and more that I loved deeply. I spent the last, 27 years to be truthful, however consciously shedding for approx 5-7 years. I can pin point different moments in which I feel it began. I am unsure of when the true imitation began, or if I had been initiated all along, and simply had moments of long term delay or pause. Anyways… This witch path of mine, my left hand path, has tested me with a roller coaster of chaos and instability. I do feel as if I did better than most would under the circumstances. Despite how I felt, I continued to dream of the stars and picked myself back up. Some days I was on top of the world. Others, I had to pick myself back up with reassurance every 2 minutes. Either way, I stayed true and committed to the growth and the highest self I desired, I knew was my true self all along.

I had debated with myself, my friends and my spouse over my decision to ritualize the LSD with this moon. Others felt I could ritual without the drugs and it was best to hold off. I feared losing my mind. I feared all the stereotypes that breaking away as I have, using the psychedelics I have, left me a starving, psychotic, schizoid of an artist. I felt like a stereotype myself. I hated it. I detested it with such rage. I had never been more unstable mentally, emotionally and physically. Truly as if I was a new born all over again. Reestablishing self and boundaries on a fast pace path vs the slow development of childhood. After re-grounding and allowing those intense voices of doubts, of adversaries to surface and purge. I finally found the courage to take the dose. It turned into one of the most magickal trips of my life.

The trip started out with me watering my garden. Settling into a peaceful scene as the medicine started to take over my body. It was weird. I didn’t believe the acid to be working. I spent an hour in the garden. Nothing. I went inside and decided to lay down, watch Midnight Gospel and ignite my trip. I started to feel sleepy and a bit off. The nausea finally started to hit after 2 episodes and I vomited. Fucking finally. I knew it was about to get good. The trip continued to be mundane and I was irritated. I felt disoriented and unsure of what to do with myself. So, I decided to do, what I always do when feeling intense under any circumstances. I took a bath. The bath or shower has always been my time of peace, of calming, re-centering, healing and meditative. The acid began to hit more obviously as I started to see shapes, spirits and other energies/entities. It was the most “normal” trip I have ever had. It was as if myself, my daily self and my spiritual, psychic, astral self were in sync. I was obviously high, however, more in control. More in alignment and conscientious of my authentic self, my witchy self, the self I have always been inside, but minimally expressed externally.

In the bath I felt as if I had baptized myself. I had been baptized when I was 6, the youngest in my town to independently request to be baptized, at the time. I started a movement for them to allow younger children to participate. The church only wanted knowledgeable adults to engage. They felt children didn’t fully grasp or understand what they were choosing to do. I had a meeting with a few pastors and dropped their jaw with my insights. This felt full circle in a sense. Not as I initially thought it would. As I was in the bath, yelling, being fairly bratty to the universe, to spirit or God. I fully expressed myself as the Princess I know I come across as. I demanded my divinity. I demanded my rights as a multidimensional being to be embraced within this world as I justly deserve. The spirits laughed endearingly at me. They were not surprised by my attitude or my words. I am sure some are sick of my shit. And yet, I continued to feel more loved as I was, imperfect, bratty and all, than I ever have in the judgmental environment of my 3D world. It was a beautiful gift of acceptance of me, my place in this existence.

After the bath, I decided to lay in the hammock. I was truly getting bored. Usually my trips are so vivid, colorful and fun that I am too busy to become bored with what else to do or think. I rested in the hammock and stared into the sun. I took some deep breaths and I cried out to my surrendering of my worries. It has not been easy to fully surrender. It did not matter how many times I thought I was, the LSD showed me that I never really did. I continue to redirect myself now, as I reflect a few days post trip to make sense of it all. I release all control and graciously accept the path to manifest as it is beautifully intended.

It was quite cold in comparison to the other days of the week. I felt the urge for a bonfire. Not only to keep warm, but became excited to fire scry. As the fire began, I found some newspaper to assist in igniting the flames, which inspired the sense to add herbs and create a ritual fire. However, upon looking at my herbs, I caught the attention of a space on my altar of the magazines I purchased from Rebecca. The magazine editions I had been a writer for. The magazines of the work that was stolen from me. I never felt that it was truly stolen work. By the Aquarius cycle, I had an inkling of a feeling it felt as if Rebecca was stealing my work to make it look like her own. I sensed such jealousy. I still do not have any proof Bex felt that way. Yet, the LSD verbalized it to me that these magazines were stoled work. I was given a deeper insight into just how much Rebecca “needed” me to be inspired. She didn’t actually love me, but she loved the insights I gave her. She loved my intuition and my power, therefore she tolerated me. Those magazines were the first items into the fire. It felt amazing watching them burn. I went back into the house to find more papers I needed to purge.

I found my safety box filled with all the important documents of my life. I had been so organized, once upon a time… I looked back and saw so many documents. Evidence of my old self. Of the people pleasing self that conformed to everyone else’s ideas of who I should or who I needed to be. All my OT schooling, all my old OT jobs, the bank statements for all the money I had given to my ex, the wire transfer between him and I.. The list will go on and on of all the paper weight that I kept and carried for record. While I still felt a desire to keep some items for blackmail, I created a digital copy of what was necessary, and burned the physical copies to ash. I will say burning the money trail between Christoper and I was the best. I feel as if that was one of the final blockage rocks of my divine feminine and her money attraction. I felt light and free as each paper burned to the ground. Letting go, breathing deeply while watching the ash snow dance around me and the flames.

My husband came home from work. The full moon was bright. She was a lovely strawberry orange color. The fire was insanely hot. Chad stated he did not believe even hell had fire this hot. He assisted in establishing the circle fire pit. I through in all the necessary herbs, spices and flowers for our main event. By the blessings of the infernal, and specifically Moloch, who was the primary guest of honor this ritual, Chad and I made love under the stars and the moon, with the power of the flames igniting our inner passion. Leaving our fluids as offering to the divine. To cast out our release, alchemize our gratitude and align with our most delicious desires. My husband and I have travelled a treacherous path up to this point. This sweet relief of rest, of peace, of abundance and bliss, is more than well deserved. I never truly understood the fear of death until this precious moon cycle and the intensity I faced stalling to make a decision I knew I needed to do. However, now I have known the courage it takes to do so. May we continue to die and die again.