June 24th-26th, 2023- Waxing Crescent Virgo-First Quarter Libra

Today I awoke with potentially a rage, maybe even simply a sternest within myself. I awoke with sorrow, disappointment and assertiveness in my heart. I felt another moment of “squaring up to God.” I do no wish to present myself to be a “brat” or disrespectful to the true All Father, to the powers that be, to my Divinity and the guides bestowed upon me. I value and respect every moment and lesson, every clue and light of direction and intuition. With that being said, I have found a need to not establish an ultimatum to the Universe, but to declare my autonomy, to demand and condemn the energy of this world to my Will.

I started a voice note to my dear friend and Mentor, Chibbs. My voice was low, I didn’t want Chad to hear just how sad I really am. It bothers him a lot when I speak about feeling this way. He will listen and it’s always out of love. He worries and while I know this isn’t my issue and it’s really not an issue either way.. but it scares him and it equally makes him feel guilty, low and significant poor about himself. He truly just wishes with the deepest sigh that he could do anything, anything at all. If you told him exactly what it was, no matter the price, the pain or cruelty, he would do it, if it meant I was how you’re all used to hearing me. How I am desired to be heard. How I love to be heard. In my living frequency. In my most beautiful side of my power. I am still in my power, but this is the other side of it?? I don’t know how else to describe it. But I have not been “knocked out of alignment.” But this is just not something. My feelings, and expression of them on all scales, is my power. And yes it’s all a part of the waxing and waning of the tides. I can’t finger point a word or definitive expression.

I equally heard maybe some instability or insecurity in my tone and where I am not necessarily out of my power, but still a novice within it. A weakness as a New Master, a New Empress. I know I am ready, and have all the training but I am still new and there are new learning challenges. But I fought crying through that entire note. I have fought crying most of the day. I do not want to be disappointed, because truthfully I do not really feel as if I should be. But there is disappointment in the fear of not knowing how this will work out for me. As we get closer, it feels as if it just might not.

It enrages me to see that I have just yet another situation in which my devout effort was not good enough. And then there’s yet another side to my power. My demand and rage for what is rightfully mine to be taken or not provided. Being robbed and Conned. I have gone through so much betrayal and feelings of being robbed, I’ll be fucking Damned if that is stolen from me again. I demand it by my Will, by my Entire Existence that if I am not given what I have KILLED MYSELF for, Sacrificed Myself for, it is not only my problem. It is now the Worlds’.

This is the point where I can be the anti hero, demonized but does “bad for purpose” or a true villain. I can understand the Wrath of God in the Bible at this level. Do not force my hand to prove myself when what you know to be true is right in front of you. Do not make me reflect in regret, not for doing something wrong against humanity, but because it simply did not have to come to such extremes. This is a choice of peace or of war. I do not wish to invoke war upon this realm. But I shall if it tries to bend my knee.. never again.