July 27th, 2023- First Quarter Scorpio Moving into Sagittarius

I believe to have found another conclusion of self evolution within my emotional attachments of conditioned codependency. My dreams do not and will no longer involve anyone other than myself. I do not care to assist within your success story. I am here for myself. I am here to be all that I was destined to be and more. I am here to break the bounds of destiny herself. This Scorpio turning of the wheel has presented to me with the vision of what my life will be if I continue to repeat the dreadful OT sitcom cycle that has been my past existence against my will. Or if I will take yet another leap of faith for myself? If my procrastination has taught me anything, it is that I am perfectly capable of executing a Hail Mary pass with precision and without failure. I have always landed on my feet. The plan always lands without severe damage, maybe a few scrapes and bruises, nevertheless, I always land. I never fall. I free fall, I leap. But I never fall. I never fail, I only learn from each landing on how to execute such an adventure with more ease. To be able to enjoy the glory and the beauty of the planes as I glide through the air.

I have experienced such discomfort and frustration in the attempts to bridge my subconscious, to ground my physical and align my frequency within my present state of knowing. The body, treading within the snail like speed of Earth time. The heart, flowing like a roaring waterfall. The mind, swiftly soaring with quick wit and purpose. The spirit alive deep within my core, dancing like a forest fire. I have fought through the inner dwellings of my imprisoned soul. I have escaped the tortuous bindings of walls. And yet, here I am again, proving it to myself that I am in fact, actually, presently free. I killed the prisoner I had become. I let go of the voiceless version of myself. I held my inner child with the most sincerest of embraces. I owe it to her, myself now and the woman I dream to become to rest within the luxury I have built for myself. That I have created as the artist within my own life.

Deep subconscious retraining, is more than intense. It feels as if you and the world are gaslighting you. I have felt more unstable and insane than I have ever felt in my life. I cannot live if all life has to offer me, is anything that I was provided with before. In fact, I have died. I destroyed any and all chains that bound me to such a belief system. A belief that life has to be a certain way, the way that society demands it to be. I entrust myself to accomplish my deepest desires. I do not trust the world to not try to steal them from me again. I have gained such strength in fighting for myself. Overcoming challenges and levels that others wouldn’t even rise to face. I have spent my life, sugar coating my concerns with the desire to be kind and achieve a peaceful resolution. However, that cannot be earned unless I bestow the fear of my godhood upon all. My concerns, my desires, my ruling, are all vital and top priority. I will no longer smooth over such requirements as, “fine” ever again. It is not fine. It will be fixed and it will be priority. Who do I think I am? I am an efficient being worthy of timely execution and respect. Your inability to reach my standard is an insult to you, not to me. I am indeed royalty. I am indeed the Queen.

As I have cycled through my past and all the decisions I have made. I fear taking this leap for myself, again. I have yet to truly know how many times I have faced this dilemma. Generations most likely. Based on just how intense this has been, it feels quite long and to a seemingly unreachable depth. I continue to choose me, as I face the fear of losing all I have built. This grouping of planetary alignments and retrograde cycles has left me feeling alone again, back into some of my deepest emotions and being forced to relive my OT job. I have struggled to financially maintain the status my OT job had provided me. Believing I would be supported, as I was following my intuition and spiritual guidance. I have felt the betrayal and the depths of anger by god, spirit, the universe or any other higher power I could give a title. I devotedly listened and followed the guidance to do as I am destined to do. However, the trickster energy within destiny is overwhelming.

I have voiced to my husband and close friends over my internal struggle along my journey. Feelings of which others assure is “normal” and “expected.” I am struggling with it all deeply within my head and spirit. Fuck, do I have everything telling me within myself to quit this job. I really want to quit. And I believe that to be what we need on an energetic and spiritual level, for me to Quit. I’ve understood so much more about my dreams and my success being self driven. About not just what I want to do but how I want to do it. Ive been meditating and writing it out. I can accept, acknowledge and receive whatever pay of my final check is still owed to me to cover my fees enough for this all to trustfully play out. The full moon, on the first of August, is in Aquarius and it’s on Lugh. The first day of Harvest. I had quit/gotten fired from my job at the Aquarius New Moon. Another 6 month cycle closing; a cycle of self love and destiny. I know my story to be very delusional in some senses and psychedelic at minimum. I have to keep trusting myself. As I wrote to myself, I’m a pro at the Hail Mary, the last minute gold. I have never failed a Hail Mary Pass. We may seem down by 7 but I know we are going to win. I’ve never felt we would lose. I know the unknown is fearful and I do not have any guarantees. I know it’s not been pretty since the last time I said I needed to do this. I have to have faith it will be gorgeous once we truly reach the top. I can’t quit now. I’ve come really, really far. All these obstacles and technological difficulties with my Cancer season forced new job, to me? A conclusion of more signs that this is not meant for me. I cannot repeat a cycle. The ache within my bones will not allow it of me. I had been sticking out this job and struggling to do it for money, for my beloved and I. Chad has sacrificed so much for me. I do not want him to be upset at all. But the only reason I haven’t quit is because of him. Because of the empathy I hold and the pain I have seen. Because I do not want to let him down or stress him even more. I know deep within my heart, he will not leave me, almost no matter what. I would never want to do anything to have him leave. I don’t believe the job circumstance would be a reason. He didn’t leave the first time, but it’s best not to push a man to his limits. I hate my destruction taking it’s toll on him. Not being able to save him from his own destruction and life path.

I am more aware than I have ever been, over just how much I cannot do this anymore and I know I need a change. I believed my candles would be it. I truly do believe between them, my art and my writing, they all still are the key. I don’t want to hear any lectures and I don’t want to fight about it. I am at a point where the smallest thing I may explode and just do it, on a whim. Just as I feel I must. I would rather do it in a better fashion. I would love for the opportunity of my dreams to be here and then for me to quit for a smooth, responsible transition. But I also feel it’s now or never to unlock all we desire. I hope I have the support of my beloved either way. The only anxiety I have in quitting is wavering him. Yet, that is why I chose my Demonic Knight. A Capricorn with such strength, trust and resilience. A King worthy of my story, of our dance.

I know this decision seems irrational and chaotic. To quit another job, after experiencing such suffering? That’s why this is really hard. I’m not trying to be unreasonable or downplay the reality we have been experiencing. I simply know where that road leads and it gives me such painful anxiety to look back into that path and the future holds. It’s a real, dreadful panic that I cannot control anymore. The more I heal myself the less I can mask it. I don’t know what to do or what the solution is. I know what I want and what I need. I don’t know how to get it to happen. I just believe in it. I am too young to be having such a crisis but I had felt like my life was a lie for so long. I’ve gotten a taste of the truth and beauty that it is and all it can become. I am more afraid of losing myself again than I am of not paying our bills. I’m forced to change who I am to be at this job. Doesn’t change who I am at my core or at home. But for 2/3 of my day I have to be someone else. Which is heavy and tiring. Which only leaves me for 1/3 of my day to choose between rest, self care, hobbies, responsibilities. It’s a fucked up system. I can’t partake in any of it anymore. Especially not after gaining in the insight and wisdom about how deep it truly goes and what it truly is. I know I sound crazy and as if I’ve lost my mind. I feel as if I have myself. But you know, you know it to be true too. I don’t want to avoid responsibility or hard work. I want it to have meaning. I want it to be real and not a facade. Not a mask.

I’m not trying to argue with the world or be difficult to anyone’s advice. I hear and I understand you all. But that doesn’t change how I feel or what this world is doing to me. I need you to understand very deeply what I’m saying and how I feel. Because no matter the job. I do not want it conventional. I am an artist at heart. It’s fucking pathetic to have a world where that equates to any form of survival suffering

In my past, I quit being an Artist at a very young age. The light was put out within me. I didn’t create anything… I started off my independent life working 5 jobs and to get hrough college. Wasted my youthful energy doing easy, mindless and meaningless jobs for a degree that is equally just as mindless. Despite what benefit I can take from those jobs and skills of wisdom now, I truly detest that is how my story had been written by choices I have made and been influenced/conditioned to make. Which takes away all power and energy to create. The world and their responses, telling me things I have already known and tried. It does not work. Why the fuck do any of you think I started magick? As one of my very last resorts at discovering any form of truth or peace. Because nothing fucking else “reasonable” or fucking “cerebral” and “logical” by this societal, worldly standard has ever fucking worked. So here I am. Trialing and experiencing the other side. And if this doesn’t work? I may as well kill myself because I have traveled the realms of truth by trial and error. You underestimate my mind and my scientific experimentational approaches to life. I’ve already done things the “smart way” and it inhibited me more. Wasted potential. At least with magick I’ve got some directional proof of headway. I’m not as naive as you all fucking think I am. And I’m so fucking sick of everyone treating me as if I am some imbecile. I have thought about this more deeply than you could ever have imagined I would. If I am calculating the pursuit of happiness? If my “bubble” does not exist within any of these principles by the ancients before me? Then it truly is meaningless and there is no point in existing at all.

I am dead set on destiny. I finally know myself for the first time in my life it seems. It’s stressful and it’s scary. And if you don’t want to aboard the Mayflower with me in hopes of a new land. I understand. But I know that’s exactly what you’re wishing for yourself too. Which is why my husband and I are so great together. We both want our rightful destiny of luxury and bliss. If magick, alchemy and quantum physics… All the aesthetic, symbolism, and philosophy we anoint ourselves, our lives in.. is true? If the magick that is the foundation of our very union is pure? I cannot be wrong. My oracle intuition is all we need to have faith in. For there is no I without you. But if I have to make my way and come back for you, I will do as I must. I will take another leap. I will load up another voyage. But I will not return to where I have overcome.