July 17th, 2023- New Moon Cancer

As I wrote the day before, I fear I have been suckered into a cult with my occult practices. Now that I have committed to this path as a real, tangible existence. I worry, it is all a facade as well. It could be a religious wounding like I’ve experienced with Christianity. Or it could be projection from what others view of me. I know a lot of new age healing and witchy shit becomes corrupted by stupid, ignorant, asshate type of people. People who do not truly understand what it means at it’s core essence..

I have ensured I do my best to understand these concepts at their truest core. And while I have proof it is true and powerful. I still question that maybe, the Mushrooms or LSD or Meditation has truly “rotten” my brain, as the propaganda tries to redirect you to believe. Did I eat the poisonous apple? Am I Eve? Did I condemn myself and all next to me to a fate outside the gates of Eden? I do not believe it to be so. That tale of Genesis is what has been corrupted. I took the bite and I became FREE! Why is it so difficult to accept? To stay within the flow, frequency and understanding of such glory?

I worry I’ve lost my mind and have been corrupted by a fantasy by a delusion, an escapism from the harsh truths that are reality. In search for my own, delusioned truth… I worry I have spiritual psychosis. It’s hard to have a true grasp on the real reality when I’ve only discovered that, that reality is nothing what it seems to be. I feel unsure of everything around me. Maybe my heart and mind had been so desperate for the magick and occult to be real. So I convinced myself it is.. when it’s just another entrapping illusion. A perspective, a bubble bursting insight, that leads me back down the road of Nihilism and the darkest of depressions. I cannot find any joy in the sense of no purpose. If nothing truly matters? Then why are we not all free to create as we please? Why are there divisions and limitations on anyone at all?

I’ll get over those moments pretty quickly once I find another synchronization, message, sign or mediation based clue. Once I ground or any of the like, I swiftly dance along my path again with a pep to my step. It seems as though I cannot be knock off my high horse for too long. Not as long as I once was knocked off for. My life has never felt more upside down and equally better at the same time. Maybe it’s the in between phase? Maybe once I get the security to truly direct myself, I’ll feel truly stable, grounded again. But it is hard. I have too many people questioning me and having so many eyes on me. Some kind, some genuine. Others cruel and vile. I feel the paranoia of it all. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even true. Only then to be proven how it is. Continuous lessons in not questioning myself. No matter the argument present.

I can explain In depth every paranoia and how I find it to be true. Which is uncanny, not only to myself, but to everyone around me. Very few will admit to me being right. Yet, with such a detective mind, I do not see how I could possibly be wrong. Too many people lie, or they are not aware of themselves to admit any truth. Which only circles back to me worry. Maybe, just maybe, I am the one who is not seeing it clearly. Although, deep within my truest truths, it seems that I am one of the few who actually can see with perfect clarity.

I have lost so much over the last few years. My heart is heavy and it has been dreadful to undoubtedly see how this is for the benefit of me. Especially, with how egotistical it all feels. I hate to admit how many people I have discovered to be jealous of me and actually do not like me. I am very aware of when people love me and when they hate me.. and in the very moments of when they change their mind on the subject that is me. It is a gift and power of Knowing and Sight, of Intuition and Justice. Powerful gifts, I absolutely adore at their best. They are difficult to control, manage and discern with certainty. I often find myself entangled in which storyline of perspective fits the mark. I desire to be humble enough to know, I’m not always right. However, you also cannot argue with me when I know I am. I feel it so strongly in my gut and mind's eye. I do not want to be so arrogant, narcissistic or self centered to not understand there are times of which, it could not be what it seems to be to me. Oi, the complexity of managing these gifts and trusting them.

I have found myself questioning with anguish the direct messages within my tarot or pendulums and psychedelic meditations and whether they do provide me with insight or fantasy.. It is easy to question. It is harder to believe. What are the odds?? The odds that they enforce upon us in this societal hell. Divination tools I have found the science within them to discourage my use. I continue to prevail and connect with such magicks. Refusing to allow my inner doubts to inhibit me from processing or seeking something new. Chad says he sees my hands move very subtly with the pendulum and it seems intentional when I allow cards to fall from the decks. There’s a psychology that your subconscious moves the pendulum or knows the calculated order of the cards. I am finding it hard to trust and confirm what I am feeling. Is it all confirmation bias? How can you check and balance yourself with introspection? Either I trust blindly, without question or I conclude that life is unstable.. or maybe, I’ve mushed my brain and these occult principals are what the mainstream fear them to be.. a cult mindset.

They say the lesson is to not feel as if you have to work to the bone but to equally put in the effort. To me it’s all a double edged sword. Which circles around to the corrupted mind and cult paranoia. It’s simply a very thin tight rope to balance and it’s very easy to waver. While “Do or Do Not, there is No Try,” I believe practice, trying and attempts with failure are the only way to mastery. Believe in the Doing. Understand that Trying is Doing regardless of outcome. I have been practicing my Hang Man skills and to suspend along the tight rope instead. My god is that so difficult. I do not know what anything wants from me. I’ve concluded to flow as I feel, however I feel moment to moment.. which that has equally gotten me into trouble. Maybe, necessary trouble? Of Karmic release?

Society is poison and the world is corrupted. I desire to live and love. To be at peace within my existence. I understand struggle and lessons learned. Why is it so hard to achieve serenity? As then I go back to being worried. Worried I am being “too stubborn, again.” I do agree there are such micro energies that flow through us. Every time I feel right but it doesn’t necessarily manifest for me in front of me? I tend to feel, sense or believe that it’s happening “behind closed doors” or not where I can see it with my human eyes.

Oh boy do I feel. I feel so deeply with everything in and around me. I cannot escape any sense of feeling unless I am isolated within my sanctuary. A sanctuary, carefully orchestrated for such Nirvana. So, to exist in a realm of sensory? Why wouldn’t I simply trust how I feel? Especially with such evidentiary support? Well, because the world corrupted our nervous systems to be inaccurate. To go against ourselves and entrap us in a state of frozen fighting and flighting. Reprogramming something imbedded so intensely, can only take the ultimate strength of pure Will.

I think with Chad and his insights or criticism of the subject, as a Capricorn.. he’s so… how do you say it? “Realistic” or “Logical? I suppose “direct” ??? If you tell him to keep a steady hand, he won’t allow the subconscious or any other energy to flow through him to give him and answer. He maintains a steady hand, as a direct order or rule. A law of which you cannot allow no matter what you feel or sense. When I told him the science and it is about your subconscious or higher self’s energy moving the tools for you, to give you the answer, because ultimately your intuition already knows… he replied “that’s why I have a hard time believing any of this works at all.” Which is funny to me, because why wouldn’t you believe yourself the most? You’re the one experiencing it. It would be easy for someone to pass it off as your malfunctioning. It is easy to gaslight. It is easy to dismiss accountability. A righteous one, will seek accountability to continue to grow. What a silly trap to trick the awakened ones. I equally find that to be extra funny, as I am the last person I trust. Especially, when I know I need to trust myself first. I have gotten to a point in my life now, where I wish to yell at anyone who questions me. Not out of arrogance. Out of anger because I just KNOW. It takes me seemingly forever to KNOW and now I have allowed an external source to delay me in ensuring I truly do know.. I question so deeply, how do I continue to become trapped? Maybe because I question so deeply and ultimately find a “grounded” conclusion when I feel such certainty, that results in emotional expression? Which results in being my clue to trust myself. Allowing my feelings to be the testing of the waters. Confirming that anything going against me is rigid and that of which is for me, will simply flow. We All Float Down Here.