July 16th, 2023- New Moon Cancer

I had found myself in a state of worry of the unknown. Of the uncertainty that arises from the path I have created. I know we will get through. It’s been difficult assessing the situation with certainty and clarity as I continue to develop a trust within myself and with any sense of power. I am constantly being put up against following what I know I need to do and what I also need to do to stay afloat within this realm. A stale of survival reconditioning. I’m trying to determine the point of it all. This experience is so much more than unknown. I constantly worry I have truly lost my mind and have been suckered into a cult mindset.

I significantly believe many of these questionings within myself are attachments of observations and judgments of others and equally “matrix” conditioned, conformed thinking. It’s very human of me. I have to honor that within myself. I am, in fact, having a human experience. The human experience and death are the only two truths I have without a doubt. I have cried out to the gods in wrath, in pain and sorrow.. at the gods like a Queenly Goddess Warrior rather willing to be put to death than to surrender for anything less than that which is Luxuriously, Divinely Mine. I, quite literally, screamed to them in the back of my yard, as well as while sitting in my car during a break at the job, I was retrograded back into. I cried, “If thou does not fulfill thy promise to me for such devotion of my divine purpose for humanity? I shall become the World’s problem. I will no longer be an enemy to myself, as I was before; after the first time I turned my back due to a broken spirit. You sacrificed my childhood. You should not dare sacrifice anymore of my being. Do not mock such as a bluff.”

I can hear the voices of others. Shrieking how, the God Complex has been heavily shining. All while, I also feel the nagging drive to take and have what I know is rightfully mine. I have such self love and equally rage for being robbed of my potential at youth. If I would’ve had a taste of the love and opportunity as I have now.. I undoubtedly know I would truly be unstoppable. Is this due to an unfair game of chance? Or was this done by design? Corruption? Maybe I fear it is too late. Maybe all is lost simply because as a child, I conformed to begin with?? I continue to dive deep within, I suppose. Every second do I find another potential blockage. Another potential perspective of awareness. Talking in circles to discover my ultimate truth. Which one do I trust?

An answer, I believe to have come through as result of the sex rite Chad and I completed for this Cancer New Moon. We had amazing, passionate sex. We were laughing and very playful with each other. He was spanking me with an intense sting. Ensuring to mark his handprint as territory. I playfully wrestled to get away. Which was equally an urgency I felt to do. To run, to flee. Holy damn, did it sting. The pain was annoying and I heard a voice in my head begging to tell him to stop. A voice getting angry I was not listening, but continuing to laugh against what she said. I continued on. I didn’t say the safe word. Which Chad reminded me I didn’t, not with evil intention, but as if to say I could if I needed. As I looked at his face, he was smiling and laughing. While painful, it was truly fun. A conflict I often find during intimate moments. The pain I knew was to be a release. That is the focus during such ritual engagements. Another reasoning why I ignored and quieted the voice. As the anxiety flooded my stomach, I was finally able to breathe. The epiphany required. I was safe.

I believe I needed to know that with a deeper understanding. I needed to realize that, even when I feel pain, I know I am safe here and where I’m at in my life. I have created the safe space of my dreams with my beloved. Pain to Pleasure. “Hellraiser Moments” as Chad calls it. The ultimate power and control of will. Transmutation. Alchemization. It manifested to be true, for I came 4 times with an intensity of each times 4. I could feel every neuron light up with joy of what came to be after intense moments of conflict and discomfort. Absolutely glorious.

I was laying there on the couch, as he caught his breath. He turned into me and asked if I was crying and if I was okay? In the moment, I was frozen. Almost blacked out as far as speech and movement was concerned. I could see where I was, but all I could do was nod my head no. Which was true. I wasn’t crying until he said something. As I went to say no, I began to cry really hard for the 5th time this week. Another emotional watery festival of Cancer Season. It was shocking to me to find another moment of tears. I have to wonder how they can even continue to form at this rate. I conclude, I wanted to cry but didn’t think I could.. because that is not sexy. I have cried after sex with my husband plenty of times. I have always felt moments of embarrassment as he giggles with a shy smile. It is not negative. He adores seeing the expression of passion I have. Of the love we share. I cannot hide the depth and height of emotion this man ignites within me. A healing beacon of light, of ecstasy. It came to my mind that subconsciously, it was as if he gave me permission to surrender, let go and cry.. Again, I was safe. I could be. Be free. Free of Judgment.

I went to shower and mediate on the sensations I was intaking. Manic thoughts racing to break down this experience. To find the spiritual expression of such beauty. Chad checked on me and reassured me. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, even though some of the acts did in fact hurt. It was a mindfuck to mediate on. Such confusion. It was easy for me to veto the path of demonization. I was not being abused, or Stockholmed into believing this was okay, when it wasn’t. It was an understanding that discomfort isn’t always a negative experience or generates a negative outcome. I felt an entirely whole new reset. An insane understanding that I know I am safe. No one can convince me otherwise. The Sour Patch Kid, the Wounded Inner Child, she could no longer sabotage. She was released, healed and heard. She can see, all that pain resulted into such beauty, fun, pleasure and reassurance. Security that I no longer have to fear uncertainty. That I am no longer in an environment where someone is intentionally trying to hurt me.

It is quite an epiphany to realize each and every time. I never tire of the excitement. I never get bored with the level or depth that I discover. Each time, is more amazing than the one before. I am loved, safe and secure. I believe that inner child wounding to be the root of the money complexities presenting themselves for me. I have had such a fear of financial instability and that my wealth will always be taken away from me or could be at any point in time. That wounding equally resulted in a fear that I do not trust to be taken care of, not by anyone, even myself. I’m still learning to not expect the rug to be pulled out from me. I am still learning not to be angry with the belief, I “should’ve known better” as a developing child. Healing and forgiveness can be difficult to manage. However, having a Chad by my side, surely makes the path less lonely and the tasks easier to handle. Not only am I safe.. I am also… not alone anymore.