December 26th, 2022- Waxing Crescent Aquarius

I am finally back here to journal with a new routine and a new motivation to do so. I am really hoping I do not become so easily discouraged this time. I find that maybe my discouragement is due to misalignment and insecurity. I found that today with this routine, there was an ease and childlike excitement. Even with the yawning and sense that I could still sleep, it doesn’t feel like restful sleep. It feels forced.. like the depression sleep I would force myself into when I was so overstimulated by emotion and distraction seemed to be the most tiresome part. I found that my depression had helped me rest and reflect in much needed ways. I find that it saved me from certain interactions and experiences. I find my depression isn’t depression at all. I have only called it such because of the outside world. I found my desire to be alone and in my own world to be due to a lack of understanding and balance within myself and external world from a traumatic upbringing of emotional turmoil. I find it so difficult to have my feelings as I can assess them to not be so bad in comparison to others and yet, sometimes I find them to be worse than others. Emotions are a tricky thing and we can only understand from a comparison of our previous experiences. The worst thing to happen to you, is the worst thing to happen to you. It is difficult to understand the depth from someone else when competing against them. For it is not a competition but a reflection of an area deep within. It is annoying at best.

To dive into my journaling with my prompts, I am already frustrated to be behind my “time schedule” I set for myself. I will usually get really upset at a lack of rigid perfectionism and either give up or not follow through. This is my reminder that today is my first day with my new routine and I started on an off work day for a reason. It is okay to not get everything I want done at my time for now. I can always adjust. I also spent a lot of time on my set up today. The initiation was slow as it can be difficult to begin. Now that I have started, it is flowing easier. I simply have too much to say and think about. Maybe I only journal my tarot readings in the mornings and journal more in depth after work or on ritual days? I am doing my new moon journaling late. The Capricorn energy is harsh around punctuality. I can redirect that. Grace because at least I am trying.

What am I most curious about during the new moon? Well in reflection, I was very curious and excited about creating and starting my new routine. I was worried I wouldn’t feel good about it and I would not follow through and fail as I have with so many other routines. This one feels different. It feels like I either finally figured something out, or I have let go of a lot of heavy energy and finally have vitalizing energy again. I used to be a machine like this and it felt great at the end of the day. I truly lost myself. This excitement reminds me of a younger time, however even better now, I truly have set this up for myself and not others. I do find I still enjoy the thought of how impressive I am and will be to others. I am trying to not let that ego trip get to me. I want to be perfectly content with how I live my life as if no one is watching, but be amazing to others if they happen to peak inside. I need that romanticism, 4th wall break and main character energy. I do not feel bad for it anymore. I didn’t fell bad as a kid but started to feel insecure, lost and awkward as I grew up. I can’t remember a specific event. I just know in 5th grade I went from having confidence and power to feeling so helpless and suicidal. I know my mother said and did a few events. I just can’t imagine that those memories are the ones that created my codependence. I was a child, so maybe the impacts were tough on my little mind, especially with how harsh my mother can be. I can sense that maybe around this Aries 1st quarter or cancer full moon I will achieve a deeper insight to this. I have a curiosity to know about the harsh lessons of the moon. Kali provides assurance that I will be safe and it will be necessary. I however, am burnt out and tired of emotional pain. This year has been rough. But I am again

excited to level up. I know I can survive it. I simply hate the cost of it all. I feel as if I am Thanos having to sacrifice his daughter. Each time the daughter feels like less of an attachment. Which is a good sign because I am growing and aligning

properly vs misaligned. The hooks are deep and the escape is rough. I envision Hellraiser and their deep fish hooks and chains that reach for others. I find this beautiful pain to be symbolic to the Saturn energy I possess. I have to go through the darkness to be the light. It all has a purpose. It seems the only way to move through this reality smoothly is to detach and understand that nothing and nobody are real. This is a game. This is my movie.