August 27th-28th, 2023- Waxing Gibbous Capricorn

I awoke from a dream as if I walked through a portal back into my current dimension or timeline. This dream and all her details felt too real. Like a memory from yesterday. I was awoken, about one hour before I usually awake, by a loud thud that interrupted the dream. I attempted to redirect back into it and sleep more to gain more insight and understanding. However, the dream only continued to loop and any attempts at furthering the dream failed or were redirected away from what it was I was trying to discover. I have been sensing my ex and his wife’s presence for months now. More so than usual. Which sounds mad. It sounds as if I have been obsessive. I have spent the last five years healing from this man and the trauma he bestowed upon me. Over the last three years, I have been doing extensive healing work with my husband to heal me of those wounds. To be able to have a loving and trusting relationship that does not wound me any further. That does not walk the line of paranoia. I have been begging for peace.

Chad has been a saint helping me heal. He has proven to me every second, of every day within our relationship, just how much he loves me and is devoted to me. As I have had an overwhelming sensation of abusive memories resurface this cycle, I have had too many meltdowns in releasing this pain. I cannot believe how sad nor how deep this pain goes. As I last journaled, I realized just how many abusive, lying, and corrupt relationships I have had in my life. I have realized that I haven’t had many people like me, let alone love me. And yet those same people who never did, were the loudest to say they did the most, or were the ones who were strategic in their expressions to lure me along for their own personal gain. I have been abandoned by everyone I have ever loved. I have been betrayed with such precision, it feels as if I deserved it all for having the audacity to exist. I am loved for everything they hate me for and hated for everything they love me for.

It has been very hard on Chad to have me filled with such paranoia. He worries for my spirit. He has been shown just how broken she really is, he has felt the severity of her pain. Chad has finally been revealed the Sad Girl that is his wife. The sadness I can no longer hide. The sadness that imprisons me. A sadness imbedded within me from such a young age. It seems impossible for her to leave me now. It has been petrifying and paralyzing for me over these last few months. Being away from my old career and way of living to pursue my dreams was a free fall into my own void. The void of which my true self ran to hide. I found her curled in the fetal position, weeping in the darkness, hiding her face while the vultures slowly picked at her flesh. I shooed them all away and held her tightly. I cleansed her wounds and listened to her cries. I realized why she had been left there for so long. Suffering to herself. I knew the wounds were there. I knew she was crying and in pain. Yet upon looking at her? She was so beautiful. Too beautiful. I was blind to her suffering. She was so perfect. Distracting to the truth within her. I could see her disappointment as she realized I was “just like the rest.” She darkened, the wounds started to reopen and ooze again. Beauty is often taken for granted, exploited, mistreated and objectified. Beauty cannot have problems, fears nor sadness. She is perfect. She is an idea. She is not real. She wishes she could be. She wishes for the day when she is known, seen and understood for all that she is as a whole. Not a dream, not a nightmare, but a story intertwined, that walks the fine line of the in-between.

Chad reminds me of that wish. He reminds me of my desires. He shows me that I am all that I have dreamed to be. He is the only person in my life that has never left, not for one moment. He has stuck by my side devotedly for three years. While that sounds like a short period of time, we have been attacked from the beginning. Our relationship has experienced dark ages. Darkness that many do not survive nor overcome. Darkness that many express, very openly, to not be worth it. I have been told by too many people to leave my husband. I could only imagine what he has been told. Many say he is out of my league and that I am not worth the drama. There have been plenty of times where I could have left Chad, or where he could have left me, and it would have been justified. Our love, our bond cannot be broken. I do not have to worry nor wonder when the shoe will drop or the rug will be pulled under our feet. We cannot be wavered. We are too pure.

Which brings me back to my dream from last night. As I have overcome all of these deep emotions from my past. As I have processed the truths and awoken from the denial, the delusion of all I have suffered… I have been awaiting the dreadful moment of when my ex and his wife will cross my path. It sounds as if I am manifesting this encounter myself, and to be truthful, I would love a moment of revenge to reject him, embarrass him for all he has done. But I have done extensive work to ensure he stays away from me. I do not want the virus that he is to infiltrate my sanctuary. I have had more fear that his presence in this engagement will be weaponized and cause a ripple, a tear in my reality, my relationship, my heaven. Chad and I have overcome such trust issues and jealousies within each other. I finally realized that, Christopher cannot destroy this union. I would never leave Chad for that man. My fear was in the persistence of Christopher to get what he wants. He has shown a pattern of behavior in hurting anyone and anything to attain his needs and desires. What would he possible say or do? Equally, why would he want me back, after he left me to marry someone else? I have not been able to shake this fear for eight months now. Prior to this cycle, I did not fear him coming back for me. I focused on healing myself so I no longer viewed all men as my abuser. Christopher was not physically abusive in any sense. In fact, he was too good to be true. He was a con man. A liar and manipulator. His abuse was emotional and psychological, and he objectified me as his sex doll. I have had other experiences of abuse before Christopher. I had been in a controlling and physically abusive relationship. I had been raped in that relationship and then again through the date rape of another man. I have been cheated on and trained to mistrust all men by the wounds of my mother. My family life was not stable and I finally reached adulthood in where I had some power to overcome all I have endured. I could not wait to rush through college to have a stable income. Not out of passion, but to be free and independent from anyone who could hurt me. Then I meet Chris.

I didn’t tell Christopher every detail of what had happened to me in my life. As our relationship began, I told him I had a lot of anxiety and trust issues. I would share small details and stories as we got to know each other. But nothing too graphic or anything that really painted the picture. I hadn’t processed that for myself, nor did I know how safe I actually felt sharing. Although Christopher could be deemed the least abusive, within a certain context and scale… I would classify him as the worst. I would hear his mantra to me over and over. “I will show you that you can trust people. I will prove to you that you can trust me.” At nineteen years old, this was music to my ears. I thought I finally found a man who saw me and enjoyed me as I was. Our age difference of thirteen years, should’ve been the red flag, but to be truthful, it did not seem predatory. Even now, I struggle to believe it was purely sexual and a grooming situation. There was a strange level of intimacy we shared. And, on the surface level, we were more compatible than Chad and I are. Chad and I enjoy many of the same activities and cultures and expressions. But we are very different. Chad is strictly underground. He despises pop culture and can be viewed in certain lights as serious, boring and a killjoy. Christopher and I both enjoyed pop culture and the more silly side to life. However, all the similarities in the world between us were superficial. We were different fonts, aesthetics and did not talk about these subjects in the same depth. Christopher seemed to detest my depth. In fact, he did not like it at all. He did not love my gifts and I believe that my witchiness intimidated him, scared him to the core. I did not identify nor was I even aware of my true nature at this time in my life, but the skills have always been present. I had been called a witch long before I knew I was actually one. I could see through him and all around me. I just didn’t have the courage to do anything about it. I felt powerless in my form as I was. I would call him, or truly anyone, out only to retract and beg for forgiveness the moment I ruffled one feather in the slightest. Christopher was harsh with his words and his actions were more vile. If I disappointed him? He shut me out. Removed his love from me. Ignored me, put me on a time out. It was as if I had to earn my way back into his life. He wanted me in theory as all I was and all I poured into him. But he wished to mold me into his perfect Barbie. When I couldn’t be who he wanted me to be, he would find another girl. Only to come running back to me. I was very aggressive in my pursuit to get him back. I equally, could not let go. A toxic dance with a vampire, impure.

Chad reaches my depth and enjoys our differences. He is so in love and proud to have me as I am. He works with me through my flaws and accepts the ones he cannot change. I am happier than ever without Christopher in general. And I am over the moon with Chad. I have cut mine and Christopher’s cord on three occasions, on top of other ritual workings to banish him from me. I have begged to heal from his trauma. I have prayed to heal from him, more than I have prayed to heal from my rapes. The rapes were easier to process psychologically. There was a logic in the events leading up to my rapes and why it played out the way that it did. I found that easier to let go of emotionally. Physically, Chad has had to be extra gentle to recondition my nervous system and subconscious reactions in order for sex to feel connected, safe and relaxed. While, that has not been easy work, it has been easier to manage than trying to heal and understand why for three years, Christopher played me the way that he did. I continue to struggle with the truth in the story. There has been so much confusion and psychological warfare, I cannot discern what is real and what is not. I have not been able to trust the purest of truths when presented before me. For I realized, outside of your own perception, without concrete details in all realms, none of us know what is actually true or real. Consciousness and life are fragile. Society is unstable.

In the dream, Chad and I were going to an event We parked along the street and were walking to the entrance. Chad could not be seen, I feel as if he was there, but ultimately, I was walking alone visually. I look and see a man in a doorway who appears to look exactly like Christopher. I did a double take and kept walking. Shaking it off. It was a short time, but still moments later, I had to go back to the car for something? I am not sure but I went back alone. Christopher was waiting outside the doorway. It was very apparent he was waiting. As if he knew I would walk back by him. I walked back by and he stopped me. It was awkward and as if he was struggling to commit to confront me. I hesitantly allow him to approach. He says, “Sarah?” He wasn’t sure it was actually me, but I have very unique and identifiable tattoos. I am hard to misidentify. Even though, I have more now than when we were together, my Skeleton Lovers cannot be forgotten. It was superficial and friendly. Very awkward. I cannot remember all of the dialogue from the dream in this scene, but I remember the facial expressions, the body language and the feelings. I recall him making a statement of apology and of “missing me.” It did not go further and I do not know how I reacted for the scene was cut.

The dream jumps forward to the event we were at. It was a basketball game. Hilarious, because neither Chad nor I would go pay for a professional basketball game. Or any basketball events for that matter. Christopher and his wife Karlee were sitting in our row. Chad was sitting in his seat and I was walking down the aisle to sit beside my husband. Only to have my stomach drop upon seeing Karlee. This was a nightmare. Not only did my ex awkwardly and uncomfortably come up to acknowledge my existence with a conversation of small talk… now his wife was looking me dead in the eyes. I have never been around this woman in person, nor have I spoken/written one word to her. She knows me as the other woman and I know her to be the other woman. Two women, pitted against each other by the same man. (Which saddens me. I truly believe I would love Karlee. I feel as if her and I could be friends in another life. She seems really cool. But I know the reputation of my character has been slain by the hands of her and Christopher). As I go to my seat, I am surprised by the events playing out before me. I smile and give a wave. I believe Chad, maybe even Christopher say, “This is Sarah.” I cannot recall if Chad was talking to them, unaware of who they were and introduced me or if Christopher told her who I was. In the dream, the scene was zoomed in on Karlee’s face and you could see me making my way to the seat next to her. Unsure how to handle this properly. Karlee looks at me with a dead stare. A slight smirk of detestation and says, “Hello Beautiful.” It was sarcastic. It was fake nice and mean girl to the core. I felt gross and defensive. I wanted to rip into her, but not cause a scene. I wanted to handle the situation with grace. But then, the dream jumps again, to Chad being left alone with them.

I have no idea what events unraveled while Chad is left alone with Christopher and Karlee. I was busy following a maze of a pathway to assist these three middle aged women to a building with a bright yellow light coming from the windows. It was crowded and seemed as if that building was the concession stand. I then awoke as I was telling the women I needed to get back to my seat. I remember beginning to walk and looking over to where I knew everyone was sitting. I was then awoken by the thud. I was in my room, freezing, and laying next to Chad. He was curled up and facing me as he always does. He was woken up by the sound too. Doyle had jumped off the bed in an obnoxious fashion. Chad rolls over as I take a deep breath and try to dive back into my dream. I could not go any further than being with the middle aged women. Or I was redirected to a bar with people I did not know. Searching for Chad, Karlee and Christopher. But the remaining answers are still awaiting to be revealed.

I know now that I have nothing to fear as these situations come to the surface. I am releasing nine years worth of pain from this man. I met Christopher when I was eighteen, became intimate with him at nineteen, “dated” for three years and have been actively healing for five years. I can see the pattern in the karmic cycles, of the powers that be three, six and nine. I can feel the closure and the light that is the power of nine. Nine whole years and this intense curse has been lifted. I know now that, whether this is metaphorical or whether this physically manifests, I do not care. I will graciously flow through the energies and stand my ground. I will have my final scene with the same glory of Elle Woods where she turned Warner down and gave her honors speech. I will begin my dream life with a man who has always known me for the Star that I am. I, not only freed myself from this cycle of toxic romance, I freed my ancestors and all future descendants. Mine and Chad’s love is a timeless romance destined to move mountains and evolve the world to the frequency of Whole Beauty.