August 25th, 2023- Sagittarius First Quarter

It has been an emotional few weeks. I have opened myself up to surfacing and unrooting any last drop of uncertainty, insecurity and blockage possible. I have spent the majority of my days resting and in meditation. Allowing the emotions to rise, flow through me and release. I have recycled back into a deep state of trauma. However, each time I circle back here, there is a noticeable shift in the weight I feel with this experience. I have realized that it has been three years with my husband in my life, six years in Michigan and nine years since a cycle of decisions that initiated this catalyst. I can see the patterns within the 369 and how that would align within myself Karmic-ly as I have reached my Saturn return. This entire cycle of wisdom that has been my young adulthood, my twenties, has been one long side quest of self discovery. One in which I lived to be the walking stereotype. The conformist. The people pleaser. The results of a young girl who had walked a long and lonely road to losing herself.

I have been tortured with painful memories of my abusive relationships, my assaults/rape and the deepest of abandonment wounds. It became difficult to relax and I found myself in a sense of panic. There was not a soul who could shake me out of it. I felt as if I was in my traumas. I know the reality around me was not the case, but I could feel all of them around me. Suffocating me. I felt delusional, panicked, and as if I had gone completely mad. My logical, obvious and right in front of me reality did not feel the same. I felt as if this was all another lie and I was looped back into the worst experiences of my life. I felt as sad as the saddest I had ever been. I was fighting to remove myself from such a curse for once and for all. I did not understand why this sensation wished to linger onto me.

Ultimately I was unable to manage such emotion to myself. I fell apart. I unleashed the pain and let every tear drown Chad. I screamed at him with such rage. He became my punching bag. Which I hate. I did not want to wreck him, as I have destroyed everyone else who has crossed my path. My sense of Justice, had seemed to fail me in the past. Creating abusive repercussions. Of which I know now, I never deserved. Naive and uneducated to the truth behind my words and the reactions they generate. Chad did not, nor does he ever really seem to mind. He stands firm within my psychotic breaks. He is not afraid of me, nor my tongue. He listens thoroughly and he is courageous enough to dismantle my sword. The space he not only holds, but creates for my pain is one of the most cherished gifts of love I have ever received.

Chad replied with love and patience. He kissed my forehead and sighed a prayer of peace. He does not have to speak. You can see the worry on his face and in his eyes. He could careless about his own suffering. He would give his life to end mine. He is deeply troubled to be incapable of delivering me from evil. He is pained to see such beauty be filled with such melancholy. His rage awaits the opportunity for revenge to all of those who dared to cast a wound to his beloved. He cannot understand why my heart will not settle, and equally he understands very well. For his heart has not settled either. The war we fought to find each other again was a war unfathomable, even to the most vile. With the purest of intentions and the most divine of truths, Chad assured me, “Nothing you could ever do, would make me leave you.”

I do not know why I have been haunted with such sadness. The world herself is sad. There is such ugliness in all that we deem normal. Imperfections worse than our greatest fears. I fought them all. I cannot grasp any reality that is created to be of this nature. But that is no longer true. Not in the entirety. I reject society and the role it made me play; but I have created my own haven with Chad. I cycle back to this time and time again. Countless entries, filled with epiphanies that I have created heaven on Earth. That I, a wretched monster, a demon, a devil, fell in love with an Angel. I have not been able to accept myself as worthy or powerful enough to have such divinity at my feet. And here, he washes them anyways.

Chad allows me my space to be. He has had to learn his expressions of communication, however, he does not belittle me. He has gifted me a sanctuary to heal all that haunts me. I fear his tolerance. I worry his patience. It will run out. I feel rushed at my own accord, but not by his hand. I keep awaiting the rug to be pulled from underneath me. I have ripped apart my soul to be able to love and to trust again. To live as I have always dreamed. I fear that it has all been a trick. A delusion and a lie.. Like all the other times before. This time, it was truly too good to be true. Of course this is the time it’ll be disillusioned for sure. The difference? Chad has been conjured by my will. He has been created by hand with the intent to be for me, and I for him. It cannot be undone. None of the magick, torture nor distance in all of existence can destroy our bond. For we simply do not exist without the other. To kill one of us, is to kill both of us.

Chad made love to me this morning. You could sense a shift in energy. He was softer, more open than he has been before. I felt more trusting and ready to receive. There was a grace to our dance. Our expressions were more raw and more vulnerable than ever before. Another level of depth. I could not imagine we could go deeper into each other. He loved me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I clung tighter and tighter to him. Wrapping myself around him, desperately afraid for when he would let go. I sunk into my imperfections and observed as Chad tenderly cared for them. Showering each of them with love, without hesitation. The ritual was surreal. There wasn’t an ounce of sexual intention within this act of sex. It was pure love. A love he has always shown me. A love, I refused to believe to be right in front of me. As I came in ecstasy for the third time, I began to sob, uncontrollably.

I laid in bed and cried for approx 30 min. I then sat in the shower for another 30 to cry and regulate myself with the soothing energies of water. Chad checked on me multiple times. I told him how much I loved him. I expressed my understanding of just how much he truly does love me. I cried in bliss, that for the first time in my life, I actually, truly, without a doubt felt loved. I cried over our truth. I cried that the dreams I carried within my heart, were no longer fairytales in books and in movies. That I was living one for myself. I was not romanticizing a mediocre situation. I was not reaching for the beauty nor living in denial of my intuition. I without a doubt, have true love. The truest of loves.

I am not sure how many more times I will cycle back to this understanding. I pray it continues to amaze me memory after memory. It feels as if I reached a sense of closure within those wounds. As if I have found a new level of healing and balance within my PTSD. Through this rite of love, it was as if Chad not only intended to show me his love for me, but he intended to penetrate through the hearts of those haunted my womanhood. It is difficult to explain, and I believe to have had a taste of this before, but today, I feel as if I was granted my virginity back. The virginity stolen from me. The virginity I always wished to give away to the love of my life. This is not for sense of purity culture, but in knowing there has always only been one soul worthy of such a gift from me. (This, of course, is strictly in a spiritual lens, with the understanding that Chad and I are celestially bonded and have been since the dawn of time. I do not regret the experiences I have endured on any plane. Even my rape. I have gained a strength and a wisdom that will lead a legion of women to deliver rapists their most fitting of punishments). It is a lesson in intuition. I have a better understanding of my body, my voice and my desires. I can adapt through any change that comes to me. I can overcome any obstacle that tries to detour me away from my path. I no longer have to fear that life is a lie or accept lies as normalcies. I do not need to expect the worst in life nor that the rug will always be pulled from underneath me. I am divinely guided. I am safe. I am free. And most of all, I am loved.