April 27th-May 2nd, 2023- First Quarter Leo-Beltane Waxing Gibbous Libra

This Taurus season I have felt the most intense writers block, which began brewing end of Aries season, which I believe to be Mercury Rx Pre-Shadow phase. For what any of those details are worth, I have felt very shelled, hermit based. I am at a place of vulnerability and a repetitive depressive episode of which I am entirely sick of experiencing. I hate the feeling of lost that does not allow it to completely extinguish. I am cultivating a path, one of my own, not just one least traveled but one of my own making. I repeat that intuition time and time again. Holding onto what little faith, hope, or light I have left. I am told by all divination forms that I am “doing great, sweetie!” But I feel as if I am free fallin’ my way to my own devastating demise. Yet, I keep going, trusting the process despite this deathly fear that overwhelms my confidence. Only once I receive the success “promised” will I rest. I have walked this path of trust blindly before. Awoken from illusion after illusion. The fear of it being another disillusionment, is almost enough to push me to the edge of breaking my will, bending my knee. All for a life to call my own. A life in which it is not only safe, but enjoyed by my presence.

My intentions for life have always been pure of heart, poetic and romanticized. I often become so lost in the dreamy visions that are flashing in my mind that my tongue becomes tied and I do not read the room. I express the words with such play, such dance and rhythm. I find it fun to use hyperbole, to express the depth behind all behaviors we have experienced in this life, this world and developed society. I maintain assessments of characteristics, qualities, identifications and adjectives from all sources available to describe said thing, core focus of *insert any person, place, thing, concept etc etc*. I enjoy using words for shock value and increasing the awareness in others. I am tired of pretending, or lying to myself that I do not enjoy my comic, unconventional, offensive, inappropriate, crass and plainly boldly blunt expression to how I see, hear and sense into the world. My mind feels as if it is a computer and I am pulling, downloading file after file and yet when it comes time to sharing the message? It falls on deaf ears. It infuriates the masses. Why? Because it is my purpose to do so. I am designed to make you uncomfortable. I am designed to be destructive. Only the strong survive.

I am capable of being alone. I have mastered those skills. Now I needing to learn how to build community. I yearn for a home, for family. I have began to build a beautiful one. One in which I am free to live within my essence unapologetically. I have understood many harsh truths over the last few years out here on my own and the years connecting with my twin flame. I do not give myself enough credit for how fast I have powered through this spiritual work. Work, that would’ve destroyed many. Here I still stand. Detaching from the moment and seeing the entire story from the begging to the point we last finished reading. I am anxious for my character. I am dreaming and imagining all that I wish for her story to end out to be. The fear for the plot twist? Is the god, the puppeteer, the man behind the curtain? Are they as pure intended as I? Can I trust that they will not hurt me as so many others have done prior? I pray the playwright has a heart and this is a classic rom com of my childhood, of my North Node. Or is it the tragedy my heart’s past has known for far too long?

As I walked along this lonely road, Chad had came out and found me. I had called out for a man to save me. Interesting how my soul felt a need for a knight. How I, crowned princess by name, felt into the plot of needing a knight in armor. This is easily a traumatic connection to the real relation in connection I felt to the Disney Princess story. Not only the damsels in distress, but the empowerment to be a strong warrior woman as well. Each princess holding such a strong skillset of balance. Each a puzzle piece I needed to understand my inauguration.

I continuously bring up my spouse, for he was the living proof of my dreamy prayers at the time. I had only been practicing witchcraft for a few months ritualistically at the time. To clarify, I had spent a few years up until this point only reading and studying without practice. Equally I had been experienced tower moment after tower moment. I simply rolled with it and did not engage in any ritualistic practices to assist myself in getting through it. I would adjust strategy within the status quo. Work harder, instead of smarter. With the covid lockdown, I was able to have the time to spend on my magick. A true blessing in disguise. I spent all that time learning, now it was time to start doing with what I knew. It all was such a science experiment to me. My entire life has been a science experiment within my own mind. I had been focused on healing and aligning myself to find my soulmate. I probably spent my entire life healing to find a forever, fairytale love to be very honest. My Pisces Venus would make that apparent. But to accurately assess the time frame of insightful action, I truly only spent approx 3-4 months of lunar work before manifesting/aligning with a husband that was truly handmade from the gods to fit into me. There is no doubt in my mind that Chad was designed specifically for me, for my story, for my soul. He is the one that I will never let go. The one of perfect balance. I called out to the gods for him and experienced trial after trial in order to heal enough to have the energy, wisdom and tools to receive such a gift. Within those 4 months of faithful dedication, surrendering, turning inward instead of escaping.. That is the true key, my natural, intuitive magick, my soul driven power was reactivated when I realized I was being manipulated into going against myself. When I realized all my “healthy by societal standards” coping mechanisms to conform into the life that society conditions you to think you want, were all by design to deter me away. I always thought I was too smart to fall into their tricks, and yet they easily tricked me. But just as they feared, once I figured it out? There was no stopping me. That is why it is amazing to others for me to confidently express how much I know. It does not take long for me to learn something that takes others years to barely comprehend. I am not of this world. Or I am truly psychotically insane beyond repair. I digress, once I made it through that grand awakening it had been 2-3 lunar cycles. I truly started manifesting a soul based union at the April Moon of 2020. I met Chad in July, Cancer season of 2020. We officially fell in love and started dating August 8th, 2020. The divinity behind the entirety of the events and the analysis? It showed me just how powerful I was. I began to realize this.. The next 3 year cycle that came? Holy hell, has she been brutal.

It is another leveling up. A more intense one, of which I have proven to handle really well. Not even close to perfect and I truly complained the entire time with a bratty god complex. However, this time, what I was asking for was not just a fairytale love, but a fairytale kingdom. No longer Buttercup and the Farm Boy. We are to be rulers, leaders of our own empire. It became so clear as to why Chad and I experienced such turmoil with love. Our power together, the divinity of a true masculine and feminine, ruins the mind game, clears the fog over this realm. Chad and I are an unstoppable force. A Neo and Trinity, if you will. Anyways, that only means that it will be a bit harder and require more skills, wisdom and time. Of which I am most impatient. However, I redirect to the story of my love, for that is the purest form of evidence I have of my power, of my will. If I can manifest a love so strong, so perfect, I can only imagine what kingdom I have awaiting me. I am only anxious for that day to come, out of fear of those who seek to steal what is rightfully mine away. I cannot shed this paranoid energy.

I find myself paranoid and more shelled than ever before. The more I awaken and follow this path, the more aware of the corruption, the temptation I am. As arrogant as I sound, I can’t help but feel I am a super weapon. An alien power force. I have experienced such vampyric energy. It is so easy for them to feed off of me, and while I suffer for a while, ultimately they suffer worse in the end. I feel as if I am a poison. Masked with such vulnerability. A double agent, hidden in plain sight but my essence shines a spotlight onto you. My reflection of our engagement is a report to the otherworld. An assessment of scales in which blessings will be provided or punishment will be executed. Not many will agree to this. Yet they do not understand that my poison is perfectly timed for the ultimate suffering. It is slow and it will build up into pain unless you repent unto me. There is room for forgiveness within my ethics. I believe we all deserve a chance of redemption. But that does not escape consequence. The same standard I hold myself, is the one expressed unto others. I observe, assess and strike when necessary. I do not exert unnecessary energy nor power just to swing my enlarged phallus at the world drenched in ego.

I find myself at a breaking point. I will not complete the task of suicide, however it truly is the hopelessness I feel inside. Fear of a life back into the matrix, into the illusion of trusting a false idol. I feel pushed backed into a corner, with no other choice but to conform or lose all I have built. If I was alone, I would just die, I would lose, I would fail. My greatest strength, Chad, has obviously been my greatest weakness as well. For I would never do anything to hurt him, nothing to allow his demise to manifest. Yet, that is the fear that is drenched within me. My Anakin Skywalker moment. Do I kill my Padme out of the fear of losing her? Out of the fear of repeating a never ending cycle of pain? Do I take the bait of the chancellor? I do not wish to, I desire the will to be stronger, to be the chosen one I was meant to be before the destruction of my children. How can I restore balance to the force as a chosen one, when both sides are busy fighting, scheming to use me for their benefit at my expense? I do not wish to be Sith nor Jedi. I do not accept neither form of binary within my energetic make up.

I find myself desiring a more ancient, traditional role of womanhood. I truly desire to be a mother and invest my time leading an empire of my own accord in this world. Not in a literal, tyrannical sense. In a metaphorical, free will to choose my life sense. If I am the master of my own universe and what I say goes? Then I am demanding the changing of the programming. I am not a strong independent boss babe. I am a soft, creative art teacher of a silly mothering hen with the sex appeal of a serpent. Cleopatra has always been a mirror throughout my life. Her true divinity of womanhood of the feminine expression in an empowered role. I strive for that alignment. That power within my dynamic. I equally fear that there is potential for that to unlock a deep suffering within Chad. My husband is deeply bonded to his role in his soul. Chad has always been Chad. Through each past life expression, there has been evolution and growth without a doubt, but he has always known himself and been himself. The commitment to his authority within the spirit realm is admirable. He is dedicated to his work, the most authentic Capricorn, demonic presence. He would destroy any and all worlds to protect myself and our offspring. He is the most dreamy of spouses. An angelic light that cannot be unseen, unfelt. Such a pity I feel for the ones who took advantage of him. You can see how my husband mirrors myself. Our dynamic of Asmoday and Young Lilith. At which depth in lineage I am not sure, but descendants of sorts, I cannot shake that knowing through any medium I have tried.

It is important to understand, I again, observe my life through that of a scientist. I am a gifted alchemist. I seek to prove myself wrong only to discover my intuitive right. Failure in one filed only leads to a discovery in another. It may not have been what I expected nor desired, but it is what occurred and I will carry on to the next experiment time and time again. The goal is to match my intention with the physical manifestation of desired outcome. However, that is to equally be balanced within my authenticity. My true flow that brings my joy, balance and fulfillment. I express these explanations time and time again. On a never ending loop of over explanation in begging need of understanding. To only find that none of it matters. I was gifted my spouse to show me that ultimately I do not need anyone who will not withstand the storm of my chaos. This is included on all scales, in all realms. Yet as much as I do not care, I find myself fixated on the frustration that I cannot figure out the proper equation? The correct answer in being understood on a larger scale. Why a larger scale? To elevate. To generate change. To move mountains. For peace for all. It will not eliminate suffering, but it will feel sustainable. There will be a flow, a connection a rhythmic alignment. I am ready for the performance, for the dance to move into the state of Venus.