April 19th-24th, 2023- New Moon & Solar Eclipse Aries

This New Moon and Eclipse season did not waste any time ripping open the deepest of wounds and providing the brightest insights of truth. I have noticed many of these lessons have been incredibly deep and have taken days to process and sit with. Taking a bit longer than normal to sit and write it out. A part of me, not only procrastinating, but understanding my cancerian shell expressed through my rising and my Lilith. Not only have I felt these vulnerable moments have a need of being severely private, but being procrastinated in a self sabotaging attempt for it being “too late” to write and post. Which can result in the lesson being recycled, continued to be ignored out of the fear or pain it will bring to accept. It’s been a mixture of “needing” more time, which truthfully is just an excuse to sit within this pattern longer, and equally truly sitting with it and not sweeping it under the rug as I have a tendency to do. I have become more aware of these behaviors around these wounds and the patterns of depression it continues to circulate.

The day before the New Moon, my beautiful Aquarius friend Brandi, she made a comment to me about how she believed that I would be the best fucking mom and cutest pregnant lady ever. That has been a reoccurring message, not only from Brandi, but multiple others in the last few years. Others who do not repeat wounded relationships, but aligned and authentic relationships. This message has been expressed by those who truly see me and my nature. The theme that has been cycling through as I have walked the line of healing my mother wounds, my generational curses and ancestral karma. It would seem to me there is a long lineage of women losing themselves in motherhood, having children when they themselves haven’t been healed nor were ready to do so. Or having children and a lifestyle in conformity with the masses.

I often question whether my mother wanted to be a mother at all. However, I see her being so motherly to my brothers, with memories of sporadic moments for myself. It could easily be portrayed that she simply didn’t want to be a mother towards me. Ultimately I always felt like a friend, a therapist, a crutch, a scapegoat and a punching bag. My mother always wanted a mini-me. In fact due to our twin like features, that is what I was called for most of my life. Instantly feeling any self of autonomy diminished and expecation overclouding my inner judgment. As I reflect, I see more and more how I conditioned myself to be a version of life that pleased and mirrored my mother and the life she wishes she had. I am not sure if that is completely fair to my mother. Yet, the projections and memories of when I pleased my mother vs when I displeased her are night and day. I am not denying any traits that are genuinely my mother. I find my mother has such a beauty to her. However, as I understand myself more, I know my healing gifts, the answers to her prayers, are intense, destructive and not for the vulnerable. My reflections on the relationship with my mother, of the cuts made by my family resulted in a life detaching from my feminine and motherly energy.

I have always been a motherly energy. Especially when I reflect upon the moments of my natural reactions or engagements. I can see how often I masked and presented to be this toxic feminine that was overly masculine. I can see how parts of these behaviors were imprinted upon me from the traumas of my mother and societal expectations of "what a man wants." Other behaviors, immature conclusions made by my own false self preservation as a naive or ignorant child/youth. My mother was a single mother with three children from her first marriage. She had two other failed marriages after the marriage with my father. Each marriage seemed to take her further and further away from the mothering role, from the feminine energy, I think she wishes she could lean into. She had already been mistrusting of men. I am not sure where the root of her pain starts, but I experienced where it had concluded and continued to grow in stagnation as she isolated herself more and more. As she began drowning herself with escapism. My mother always preached to me to never need a man to depend upon. She programmed me to not trust, to be hyper independent and to question myself. I feel these are all repeated cycles of what she was put through by my grandmother, and what my grandmother was put through by her mother. As I have written about previously. I found that this repetitive theme continues to surface as I dive deeper into the loop of it all. I found that I could not put this to rest until I was honest with myself.

The truth of the matter is, from childhood, I always imagined being more like my grandmother. I wanted to stay home and have a simple, small creative career. My grandmother cut hair from the house, stayed home with us kiddos and was the best chef of any meal or snack we could ask for. I also,

used to think that I hated that lifestyle. I used to think that I never wanted that for myself. And yet, I knew that wasn’t true. All my childhood day dreams, all my imaginations surrounded around me being some sort of creative, stay at home mom and wife. I remember dreaming of my grandmother’s life, of the life of my aunt. I remember the resentment my mother felt that she wasn’t able to have that luxury. Which resulted in myself, growing up to not even believe it was a possibility for me. My mother, out of protection, raised me to be the modern day warrior woman of independence, of feminism. I realize how confusing it was to experience and process. I never acted as if I wanted the life of my grandmother or my aunt. Internally I was at war with what I was surrounded by. Believing I had two choices: to be a dependent, weak and “worthless” woman who stayed home and attended to the house, husband and kids or to be a strong, rich, independent woman without kids. I grew up making joking remarks about being a gold digger. Being a trophy wife. Being the single rich auntie who dated the world. I would become sensitive and emotionally distraught over periods and childbirth. And yet, I would dream of the deepest romantic love. I would dream of creating the most delicious meals. I would dream of how cute I would be pregnant. How incredible it is a woman can do such acts. I hated the idea of having to choose one life over the other. I wanted parts of both. My aunt I believe to have lived more of the life I have wanted for myself, however I want to add the traditional depth of love of my grandmother and the fun of my mother. My mother is a very fun person. She is always the life of the party. And yet all of these conclusions are pieces of other women. I have spent more time “learning” by mirroring the lives of others and thinking I need to copy in order to find a sense of home, a sense of acceptance, somewhere I belong. For when I am myself, in all her complexities, I felt as if I belonged no where.

I have discovered the balance in being made of your experiences, and “cherry picking” those that truly serve me. As I become more confident with myself and comfortable with the thought of belonging to myself, I realize there truly are no rules. I understand the power of divine femininity. I understand the broadness of these themes. I do not have to fit an image of anyone. I will never find my happiness if I am constantly utilizing others as exact blueprints for my life. A life that is different, unique, independent. A life that is meant to cultivate an entirely new path, new blue print to free the binds that not only entrapped me, but other women or individuals who have felt the same chains for themselves.

I have struggled with the codependent, chameleon mirroring of pleasing I have engaged in to be everything to everyone. Instead of belonging to no one, I belonged to everyone. Indecisive of what I actually wanted, because everything else was met with established cliques. I could be like my grandmother and be accepted, I could be like my aunt and be accepted, I could be like my mother and be accepted. I could be like anyone else I interacted with and experienced and find a sense of belonging. Which every area of my life where I found a group of belonging, eventually blew up in my face and left me feeling more isolated, alone, freakish and unacceptable for life. It did not matter which dreamy insights of each lifestyle I found I could tolerate and execute. I could easily morph myself to be anything. It’s truly not hard to find the joy and love of any experience on earth. You can romanticize every storyline if you’re looking for it. I romanticized every unhealthy experience I have lived. Ultimately, that is my gift of alchemy. However, now that I am aware of the power I possess, I have been really analyzing which life it is I want that is best aligned and not a mask. Not a robotic approach to find acceptance and a placement in this world.

I found that I no longer desire to feel acceptance. I have accepted my leadership role of an entirely new approach to life here on earth, which is the essence of the futuristic Aquarius. My life will not be conventional. It may be similar to those of others, especially when in needing of finding comparisons to assist in understanding to outsiders. I was feeling into a similar understanding of life that Halsey has found. The ultimate creative that is a witchy woman and divine mother. Halsey has inspired my Libra N Node journey being the Libra Sun she is. I can sense where there are mirrors and messages within her life path. A life of balance, peace and dreams. A life of resurrecting the Empress, the Divine Mother that has been corrupted. My life will not be her life. I will not make the same chameleon mistakes as I have in my youth. This Saturn return, I am accepting my truth despite the outrage it brings forth from others.

I see now that the only way to truly heal my mother wound, will be to be the mother I always needed, the mother my mother, my aunt, my grandmother and so on needed for themselves. While not perfect, I can understand the power of detachment, not to remove myself from the situation, but to detach the personal projections that wound others and stand firm in the motherly lessons that need to be taught. I found healing my inner masculine has allowed a space for embracing that intellect rooted in the wisdom of the grandfather Aquarius and Grandmother Capricorn stelliums I embody. I am reaching a further understanding to my inner self, my soul energy and cosmic design. The balanced Empress, the High Priestess, the master of all elements to promote the purest, necessary healing. I had been told from a multitude of others throughout my journey I would not be a good mother. I have been told I am too selfish, too rude, narcissistic and the list goes on. I have understood these to be gaslighting projections and misunderstandings due to the corruption of what motherhood actually means. In the traumatic experiences of others who are unable to break the cycle of victimhood.

My sworded tongue is meant to promote the destruction necessary to breed forth strong, resilient children. My overflowing cup provides the loving and creative support that holds space for emotional nourishment. My radiant wand lights the way to passionate authenticity within the heart of others. My abundant pentacles provide a generational stability that can never be corrupted again. I realize now I am meant to be an unconventional mother by modern standards, but an ancient expression of true essence. I realize now, more than ever, I truly desire a life filled with loving experiences. An abundant empire build with such strength, the next generation will dance upon every corner without a worry of a cracking foundation.

I used to think I was building a safe and secure life for myself and my husband to escape from the world and end our lineages here. An abrupt, cutoff form of “healing.” Which can be necessary for some life paths. For myself? I am no longer manifesting the selfish independence of my inner wounding. The pain that pushes me into states of suicide and hermit-ism. The confusion that disconnects me further away from my Lilith, my feminine divinity. My husband and I are not only here for our individual leaderships, our own creative expressions and enjoyments of kingdom luxuries. We are here to lead the old world into the new world. To raise a generation that will maintain and carry on the ancient wisdom we seek to flood the land.