April 12th-18th, 2023- Last Quarter Release Capricorn

It has taken me quite some time to sit and write in reflection over the various releases, insights and downloads that have occurred throughout this release. It has been perplexing how it has all wrapped up and I have not really cried. I can’t recall crying over any of these events. I only recall crying tears of happiness at the romanticism I have created. All the releases that potentially could have been devastating or fatal, if I hadn’t already been dealing with this cycle of karma for the last 3 years. The never ending cycle of healing the inner child, divine masculines and feminines and bridging towards my highest self. I feel as if this Aries season was a wild finale to the year instead of a new year. A somehow false beginning? A mock trial? With a second Aries New Moon and I believe there to be a solar eclipse as well. I currently cannot remember all the details of the astronomy or astrology. However, it all feels as if this was a final test to see if we were able to stand firm within ourselves, our tower. I am annoyed, stressed and restless while equally knowing I passed the test. I accomplished the goal of my trial and I am ready to enter the next level. A beautiful conclusion, in Edgar Allen Poe fashion, with a morbid, twist of melancholy.

I have discovered the next layer and honestly, praying that it is the final layer, of my mother and inner feminine woundings. I have gained the insight that I cannot continue to seek a mother figure in another on any level. It is my lesson to bear that putting that expectation on another will only cause ruin within the relationship. I have realized the depth of where I continue to parent others vs parenting myself and the destruction that combination brings. I have understood that mothering energy to be one I need to generate within myself and express through example.

I am direct, blunt to an absurd and hurtful extent. It has been equally understood I am in a state of constant channelling, whatever that is to truly mean. It very well could be my worst fear and I have become a psychotic monster. If that is so? Why do I feel more aligned and authentic than ever? A video I watched stated it is within the nature of authenticity to be misunderstood. I hate the idea of an excuse or a scapegoat, however that statement truly resonated with me. As I have had to rebuild my inner strength and my voice, my truth.. I have come to see that my perspective is not for the weak minded, the fragile, nor those who genuinely do not want to face the mirror. It sounds arrogant. It feels as if I am justifying myself too much. I have spent my whole life trying to attract people who think I am wrong, to prove that I deserve the backlash bestowed upon me from other’s triggered tongue.

I can admit that ultimately another lesson would be to either accept that I am meant to share my philosophy with myself or small groups alone; or I am in need of accepting that all great minds were thought to be mad until the proof came around. I believe I am in need of embracing myself more than ever, despite any criticism. Time will surely tell. I hope I am not wrong. I fear being wrong and being too prideful. I fear that I will sink my ship out of arrogance, selfishness and delusion. And yet, I have never felt more centered and sure of myself. I do not feel as if I am wearing a mask or going through the motions. I feel as if I am cultivating the life I desire from a place of love, truth and peace.

It is not to say that I am perfect. It would appear I alienate myself from others more often than I connect with them. I was watching a video of a reading that caught my attention of intuition. It told me to accept that I am Death. It felt too real and chill filled. It reminded me of the great goddess Kali Ma. It reminded me of her necessary destructive nature, her pointed tongue. A connection to my ancestry of gifts. A path I had once deemed lonely. However, when redirected away from those cycles of depression, I turn to see I have my husband, my Shiva. I have a few strong, like minded friends, who despite my flaws, love me unconditionally. They love me even when I am unloveable. When I become so lost in myself, in my scientific journey I call life. I have a very small group, but one of the highest quality. A group of authentic, unconditional love that is genuine and pure. I have discovered the wisdom in understanding the intention behind engagements and the connections actually worth investing in against the moral majority. A true grasp of integrity.

I have been surrounded by ugliness, miscommunication and a whole mess of destruction, and here I prevailed. I did not lose myself in these battles, as I had done before. I was not perfect nor precise, but I was better. I achieved a level of skill and success worthy of an upgrade, a level up within myself, my life and my internal validation over any external sensation. I cannot control how anyone feels about my presence, my essence. I can over explain myself until I am numb. I simply do not need to worry about it. I can write, reflect and purge, but I do not need to exert more energy or attention than that is truly needed. I had become so used to being in a constant state of overthinking, a state of questioning my intuition.

Now that I have understood and accepted such power, I need to remind myself that I can process anything as quickly or as slowly as I need. I have accepted my ability to detach and let go, without feeling as if I am insensitive or a monster. I am on a mission, I cannot be distracted. I have boundaries, standards and goals with such confidence and self love. For the first time, I feel as if every decision I have made, has been for the greater good of myself. Whether that perceives me to be self centered or not? I do not care. I cannot care anymore. You can confuse my self love and self preservation for selfishness if you desire. It is only a mirror of your lack of self worth. A direct statement said with love to lead you into a state of awareness and healing. Not a statement of bitterness and hate to trigger or ignite a war. Each day I find a deeper sense of acceptance for myself and my destined path. I welcome in Taurus season as I close out my final battle of this current level. I welcome in the sensuality and comforts of life. To work hard, and play harder in the most luxurious expressions the 3D world has to offer. I welcome in the blessings. I welcome in the power of the second Aries Moon, may we set up for our meet day after a successful training block. The gold is more than in sight, it is in the bag with a deep knowing that is unshakable, that is rooted in the utmost divinity.

I have understood the root of my anger as well. I become so off center with the majority of my interactions with human beings. I personally do not find it to be that difficult to attend to my standards, my way of thinking. It is so plain as day and extraordinarily simply. That sounds controlling and annoying to hear as an outsider. Many believe this to mean I do not listen to them. I do listen to you. I hear your bullshit. I hear my own bullshit. For years I fed into it all. I have understood that I see the bullshit. The shadow of the world. I no longer choose to play into it. I am exhausted and the mask has surely fallen. This is my true self that I am working on every day. A self too sensitive to the world, too seeing of the world and too desperate to change it into something beautiful. My approach to achieve such beauty is unconventional, it is “cruel” to those who are too weak or closed to accept it. I am forever flabbergasted at the lack of depth for others to not see the message of love I speak.

My husband, my dearest Chad, he is the only one who does not drive me to insanity. Despite all his flaws and our imperfections as a growing couple, he makes me feel safe, grounded and centered. I am free to be myself with promise, with devotion to conquer any and all that attempts to shatter such a bond. I seek and radiate that love to all that I connect with outside my home. Knowing such love is powerful enough to move mountains. A love strong enough to endure storms without resentment. We all deserve that essence. For me, my love with my husband is so strong, because it is the purest form of human decency. Our standard is met as equals, as if I was built from his flesh, his bone. We are made one of the same. I find my frustration with the majority of others to be rooted in that lack of understanding. The way others perceive me, is equal to how they would perceive me to myself. Another way to phrase that, I treat others with the same expressions of how I talk to myself. Some find that inspirational, others find it to be harsh. I find I struggle with the balance day to day. Figuring it out as I go along. Learning moment by moment, but expressing it as I see it, as I feel it.